Four Christmases have gone by since we started trying to conceive. Seeing four Christmases come and go without any resolution has been really tough. Each year I have this vision where I announce to everyone on Christmas day, that yes, we are expecting! I even make it more dramatic by picturing myself wrapping framed photographs of the sonogram and giving it to our parents. It sounds weird, I know, but it was my guilty pleasure to dream about this. I envisioned it every year and not one time have I been able to do it. I have never told anyone about this dream of mine, so when my brother told me how he was going to announce his wife's pregnancy to his two daughters, I was shocked at how similar it was. He and his wife are going to wrap T-shirts that say "Im going to be a big sister" along with a picture of the sonogram as a gift to his girls. This is how they are letting them know. I feel like in a way, my dream was stolen, unbeknownst to him of course, but still, I will never get to have that now. Even if we do conceive around Christmas in the future, I won't follow through with my original plan because I won't feel like the idea was novel or special any more, even though I've had it perfectly planned in my head for over four years. This is yet another dream I have to relinquish to infertility. There have been so many. When will it end?
The first two Christmases of trying to conceive, I handled pretty well. I think in the first two years, I still had some hope that it would still happen naturally. Even last Christmas, which was the third, it wasn't so bad. Maybe it was because my husband was still in school and it was somehow acceptable that we didn't have children yet. This Christmas really stung though. I felt the emptiness and hopelessness more than I ever had. My husband and I are living in a beautiful home and he has an amazing job and we still aren't pregnant. The natural order of things are not taking place, and it's difficult. I feel like infertility took over my favorite time of year and I hate it.
When Christmas day arrived though, I put aside infertility and focused on the moment. To my surprise, it turned out to be a happy day and I felt thankful. I had family in my home to cook for and share the day with. I received so many gifts, I told Nick that I was really lucky. I didn't deserve all these presents when there are so many people who have nothing.
In this moment, another thought came to me: Infertility has changed me. I am more sensitive now, more compassionate, more aware and less judgmental. I think of others now instead of myself. I am no where near perfect, but I am a better person in a lot of ways. I wouldn't want to be the old me. Don't let me fool you too much, I would much rather I had not experienced infertility all together, but I am happy with how I am turning out. I am a better human being, and I think I am better equipped to be a mother to be quite honest. I realized this Christmas how far I have come and how much I have matured. I'm not sure any other day of the year would have done that for me.
Some how, some way, Christmas prevailed this year. Despite the disappointment and the emptiness I feel most of the time, the spirit of Christmas overpowered infertility. It really is my favorite time of year.
"Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself." ~ John MacNaughton
Christmas Eve several years ago. Two days later, Nick would propose :)
