#20 My Childhood

As a teacher, I am shocked by the kids of today.  These kids don't have parents that care enough to provide them with structure, discipline and love.  I look at children these days and feel sorry for them.  They didn't grow up in the same world I did.  I can't even imagine how I would have turned out if I had grown up in today's society.

I was born to two amazing parents, who were loving and excellent providers.  They both worked hard for a living, loved us unconditionally and instilled discipline without being too strict.  My siblings and I grew up living in safe neighborhoods where we would play outside until the street lights came on or until our mom called us in for dinner.  We ate supper every night together as a family, without the TV on.  We would sit together in the den after dinner and watch sitcoms until bed time.  My parents saw to it that we did well in school and would contact our teachers if they thought we were slipping.  If we were reprimanded by our teachers, WE were the ones that were punished when we came home, no question.  We were taught to respect our elders.  We went on family road trips and sang songs and played games in the car.  That was my childhood in a nut shell.

Kids these days don't grow up like this.  Instead of life lessons and attention, they are given material things to compensate.  It has created a society of disinterested and entitled children.  It's pretty discomforting.

I realize that my childhood was not the norm.  It was the anomaly, a rare gem.  I know that I am extremely blessed.  I have wonderful parents and was fortunate to have a conventional and healthy upbringing.  I know that when I become a mom, I will follow my parents' example and provide the same for my children.

"Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons." ~Author Unknown

                                      Christmas: Me on the left, my sister on the right.  Apparently I was three.   

#18 & #19 Cat naps and Leftovers

Yesterday I was tired and I didn't blog on what I was thankful for.  The truth is, that I have started to substitute teach and waking up super early again has me all out of whack.  I was so tired when I got home yesterday, I felt nauseous.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  It's the kind of tired where you can't think straight and your head feels like its stopped up.  There is just no other way for me to explain it.  So yesterday, I took a long cat nap at about five in the afternoon and didn't wake up until about eight in the evening.

Naps are the best.  When I am extremely exhausted, there is no better feeling than allowing myself to lie down on the couch and drift off to sleep.  While in college, I would come home from class and sleep for four hours every day.  Of course, I was recovering from going out the night before, so the nap was essential if I was to have the energy to go out again that night.  My after class naps were much envied by my roommate who had to work after classes.  She would come home from work in the afternoons and wake me up with her arrival.  She would shake her head, half amused and half envious.  I didn't care if I was rubbing it in.  Those naps were my bitches and I had no shame.      

I also realize that yesterday's nap is a coveted by about every working mother out there.  So, since presently I am infertile and have no kids, I thought it best to be thankful that I can still take naps when and where I please, without interruption.  At least I have that over all those women who can just get pregnant whenever they want.  They have whiny children when they get home.  I have relaxing naps.

Today is no different.  I am utterly exhausted again and feel like crud.  This brings me to #19: leftovers.  When I feel like this, I do not want to cook when I get home.  This problem is simply cured with leftovers.  Typically, I cook every night and we always have left over food since it's just the two of us.  Therefore, I end up freezing leftovers for another time.  Last night and tonight is a leftover night.  I simply put the leftovers to heat up back in the oven or on the stove and voila: Dinner is served!

If I had children, I may not have leftovers to serve because it would have all been eaten or I would have had to cook something any way because children are not fond of left over food.  So until I have children, I will be thankful for how easy dinner time is with just two adults in the house.

Naps and leftovers are life savers on stressful and tiresome days.  Anything that makes my life easier at this point, I consider a HUGE blessing.

"Human felicity is produced not as much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen, as by the little advantages that occur every day." ~Benjamin Franklin

                                                This is how I felt and (probably) looked yesterday.

#17 Friends

My husband and I moved to a different state this past summer and we are really happy where we are living.  However, whenever you move to a new area, you have to start the process of making local friends all over again.  For me, this is not a quick process.  I am one of those people who doesn't make close friends until I've been living in a place for a few years.  It has rarely occurred, that I will make an instant friend with whom I click with in the first few encounters.  I don't know if it's because I am closed off or if it's because I am maybe a little shy.  Whatever the reason, making best friends is a gradual process for me.  Despite this, I have made a lot of amazing friends in my lifetime.  Maybe I would have made more if it didn't take so long, but when it comes to friends, I believe in quality over quantity.

When I met my husband, my friends took on a new role in my life because Nick became my best friend.  He is the one I share all my feelings with and spend the majority of my time with.  Also, now all my friends live several hours away, so going out for a girls' night isn't really possible.  When I am able to see my friends on vacation or when I speak with them on the phone, they are my escape.  I don't want to talk about my infertility.  I don't want to feel sad and heartbroken.  I want to be care free and frivolous, something that is normally difficult to do when you are trying to have a child desperately for four years.  We reminisce about old times and talk about topics that make us laugh.  We simply live in the moment.  I know though, that if I did need them to talk to about my problems, they would be there for me any time.  I have only told two of my close friends about my struggles with infertility.  Almost all of my friends have a child or children, and as all of us infertiles know, sharing our heartache with anyone is difficult, let alone someone who has no ability to understand--only experience can give perspective.  Of the friends I haven't told, none of them have ever questioned why we haven't had children yet.  I tell them that Nick and I want to wait several years before trying.  Whether they believe this or not, I don't know, but they never press the issue and I am extremely appreciative.

As strange as this is, one of the two friends that I have told about my infertility happens to be a very close guy friend that I have known for years.  Zach has been a friend to me since junior year in high school when he called me stuck up in English class.  I of course gave him a piece of my mind and we have been friends since. I  think he admired my spunk and I admired that he didn't care what people thought of him.  Zach and I have talked on and off through the years; talking each other through break ups and hard times, even the suicide of an old high school friend.  When I told him about my infertility and pit of despair, he was sympathetic and consoling, something not expected from a man.  He then told me something that made a huge difference in my attitude.  He told me this:

"You're actually the second person that I've spoken to in the last year that has had this kind of problem. In her case it led to a divorce. This is obviously an incredibly stressful thing to go through - try to remember how lucky Nick and you are to have each other to lean on through this process. That's a pretty full life in itself."

I couldn't believe it.  His words made me realize that I was being extremely unappreciative.  Here I was with a wonderful life and amazing husband and the only thing I was concentrating on was the one thing I didn't have.  I felt like a spoiled brat.  Shortly after, I decided to live my life in thanks for all the blessings I do have.  I can't believe it took a man to make me see the light in the darkness of infertility!

I learned a valuable lesson from this experience.  Friends ARE necessary for your well being.  Sometimes it takes a friend to open your eyes or to ease your pain by providing a shoulder to lean on.  They can also offer a different point of view, which is sometimes needed when you are so caught up in your own problems and grief.  Other times, you need a friend to just cut up with and have a good time.

Through this struggle, I unfortunately have grown apart from a few of my good friends.  It's hard to celebrate the births and lives of their children when it is hurting so much inside.  Some may call it selfish, I call it self preservation.  I know that one day, I can explain myself and they will understand. Because that is after all, what friends are for.  

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will ride the bus with you when the limo breaks down." ~Oprah Winfrey

   
                                                        Me and a few of my closest girl friends.

#16 Music

How can I follow up my #15?  I mean seriously, my niece is a such a blessing, how can anything after her be worth while?  Maybe I should have saved her for my very last blog, but alas here I am, only on #16 and with sort of a writer's block.  My only answer is to find something that is completely frivolous, but awesome at the same time.  So, today I am thankful for music.

Let me be clear, in no way am I a musician.  I can not play a musical instrument, I do not sing (except for in the car where no one can hear me), I can not read music and I could not write a song that would be worth listening to if my life depended on it.  I actually always wanted to learn to play piano, but my parents could never afford a piano or music lessons, so that dream was never actualized. :(  Can you hear the world's smallest violin playing my song?

However, I don't believe that you have to be an actual musician to enjoy and love music.  Music fills in the spaces in so many places.  (I did not mean to rhyme there, it just happened.)  Think of how boring it would be driving on a long car trip if there was no music.  Or think of cleaning the house, having a party, movies, exercising, putting on makeup or weddings without it....BORING.  There is nothing I enjoy more than walking my dog in the early morning with my Ipod buds in my ears playing some of my favorite songs.  I do not think I would go on those walks if there was not music surrounding my thoughts.

In addition to making life more fun and enjoyable, music has the ability to influence one's mood.  Think about a time when you were sad and you heard the perfect song and for some reason you felt a little better.  I always think of the football players in high school who would blast Guns n' Roses' Welcome to the Jungle before the Friday night game.  They would automatically feel excited and amped up to play.  Their sudden adrenaline rush proves that music has the ability to actually elicit a physical response from our body.  I have even listened to songs that have brought forth tears from very eyes.  Remember, Tim Mcgraw's Don't Take the Girl? Come on, you know you cried too. I think the reason music moves us is because sometimes we hear a song and it reminds us that we are human and that we aren't alone with our feelings.  The songs prove that there is someone else out there in this big world that has had the same experiences and can sympathize with our emotions.

In my infertility, there's a few songs that speak to me.  For some reason, I don't know why, but Dave Matthew's Grey Street has always been one of my go to songs.  Read the lyrics and maybe you'll understand.  As cheesy as this is, two others that always get me is Rascal Flatt's Stand or I Won't Let Go.  If you are infertile, listen to these songs, but I warn you, you will cry.

So despite infertility, I am still appreciative for the small stuff.  Music only plays a trivial, minor role in my life, but really, don't all the small things add up?

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul." ~Unknown

                                      The closest I will ever get to musically performing: Playing Rock Band.

#15 Kayla (my niece)

Sometimes in life, you find that you just click with certain people.  Maybe it's body chemistry, maybe it's fate; whatever, it is, it's usually an instant thing.  It's like you just get each other without actually knowing one another.  It doesn't have to always be with a potential lover.  It could be a friend.  Sometimes it's not even a person, it can be a dog or cat.  For me, this happened when I first saw my niece, Kayla.

Kayla is my first niece, the oldest of all my parents grandchildren and she is my brother's daughter.  I didn't know that I could love a person so instantaneously until I held Kayla for the first time.  She was a beautiful seven pound, blonde haired baby and I was hooked.  My Dad told me that when his first niece was born, he was sure that he couldn't possibly feel a stronger kind of automatic love, until he had his own child.  I know exactly how he feels to an extent.  I don't have a child of my own, but the love and adoration that I felt for Kayla was through the roof.  I wanted to be around her every second and I ate her up.  I now have five more nieces and two nephews, and hopefully more to come.  I don't love Kayla more than any of them, but the bond I have with Kayla is special.  Let me explain why today's blog is dedicated entirely to her.

I know that most aunts love their nieces or nephews an enormous amount, but I'm not quite sure that any other niece or nephew has loved their aunt like Kayla loved me.  My family calls it obsessed, I call it a "unique bond".  It all started when she was about six months old.  My brother had left Kayla with my cousin so that he could go to the gym.  I called my cousin and heard Kayla crying on the other end, so I drove to my cousin's as quick as I could.  I walked in, took Kayla in my arms and to my cousin's surprise, she immediately stopped crying and stared at me in wonder.  From that point on, she would never keep her eyes off me when I was in her presence.  When I would babysit her, she would start squealing when she would see me walk up the driveway.  When I would walk in the house, I would pick her up and she would just stare at me and smile.  I could make her laugh like no one else and when she would get hurt or get sick, she would ask for me.  She preferred me over everyone, much to her mother and her mother's family's dismay.  (My brother on the other hand, ate it up that his child loved one of his family members more than all of his ex-wife's.)  When I was around, no one else was to hold her or rock her to sleep.  When she turned two, we started developing our own inside jokes.  One time when Kayla's mom asked her who her best friend was, she expected Kayla to answer with the name of the little girl down the street that Kayla played with several days of the week.  Instead, Kayla answered, "Ne ne," the name she still calls me to this day.  When I retold this story with pride to a family friend, she replied, "Yes, you are definitely her best friend.  The thing is, I think she's your best friend too."  The thing is, she was right.

Now, my Kayla is ten years old.  She doesn't remember her obsession (or "unique bond") with me that much, but we still have a special connection.  I love her to pieces and we really enjoy each others' company, plain and simple.  She comes and stays with me and I love every moment of it, knowing that her teenage years are quickly coming and probably pretty soon, she may want nothing to do with me.

As I look back, I recognize that I was given a gift through our extraordinary bond.  Through Kayla, I learned that nothing compares to a child's unconditional love.  I truly believe it's the closest thing I have ever felt to being a mother.  So when infertility gets me down, I think of Kayla and I regain the strength to keep on going, because now I'm ready to feel the real thing.

"Nieces are the children that we borrow, intending not to raise but merely love." ~Unknown

                                                 Me with Kayla when she was just 2 years old.

      

#14 My Grandfather

My grandfather, who my siblings and I called Paw paw, was an incredible man.  He passed away a little over a year ago and I still think about him all the time.  Whenever he crosses my mind, I tear up.  The worst is when I'm in church and I hear a song that was played at his funeral.  As a matter of fact, just writing about him right now is making my eyes well up with tears.  I've known that a dedication to Paw paw would eventually end up one day on this blog, but I was waiting for just the right day.  Nick's grandfather just passed away two days ago and all my feelings about my grandfather became fresh again.  I knew it was the perfect time.

My Paw paw was the type of grandfather who was quiet, but had a strong presence.  He never said much, but I remember he always sat in his recliner and I would sit on his lap and have short, sweet conversations with him as a child.  I would ask about the crosses he wore around his neck and why he loved golfing so much.  In the summers my brother, sister, my cousins and I would go stay with my Paw paw and Maw maw.  I remember waking up at six o'clock in the morning to my Paw paw making his coffee and breakfast before leaving for his early morning tee time.  I would watch him from the pallet on the floor in the den through my sleepy, half open eyes.  When he would walk out the door, I would roll over and go back to sleep.  I felt comforted by watching him every morning.  I think it's because I adored the ground he walked on.

Not only was he an amazing grandfather, but my Paw paw was an extraordinary man.  He experienced more in his lifetime than the average person.  He witnessed the death of his oldest brother as a young child, endured the insufferable circumstances brought on by the Great Depression, and fought in World War II.  I'll never forget the story about his oldest brother drowning.  My great grandparents actually brought my great uncle inside their home and laid his body on their dinner table until he was taken away to be prepared for burial.  That night, my Paw paw and his parents and siblings ate dinner at that very same table.  Regarding the Great Depression, he would tell the story of how he wore the same outfit every single day, and every single day he would wash that outfit so that he could wear it clean the next day.  He always told us that he would never eat potato soup or bread pudding again.  Apparently, during the Depression, those were cheap and easy meals, and my Paw paw could not understand why anyone would actually pay to eat those foods at a restaurant.  While serving the Navy during World War II, he saw horrific things that he didn't like to talk about.  The only time I ever heard about his World War II experiences from him was after he saw Saving Private Ryan in the theater.  It was the first and only time I had ever witnessed my Paw paw cry.  He endured so much in his life time, but you would never know it.  He was so stoic.  I truly believe men were made differently back then.

Before my Paw paw died, he told me that he wanted to see Nick and I have a child because he "didn't have much longer, ya' know."  I so wish I could have given him that gift.  I wish my children could have been held by one of the greatest men to ever walk this earth.  However, life doesn't always work out the way you plan or the way you want it to.  Infertility has made me realize this life lesson more than anything else I've experienced because it could be another four or more years before I have the children I spent my whole life "planning" to have at the age of twenty five (remember, I am now twenty nine).  The only thing that puts me at ease is that at least I know there is another angel in heaven looking over me and my future children.  He will be able to see their birth and all their experiences and milestones in his very own recliner up in heaven.  He actually has the best seat in the house.

My Paw paw passed away about a week after our last family reunion.  He said in the weeks leading up to the reunion that he wanted to see everyone one last time.  It amazes me that as soon as this wish was granted, he was able to let go.  I miss him dearly, but I also know that people can't live forever.  Paw paw lived a fulfilled life that was full of family and lots of love.  I try to not be sad about his death.  Instead, I celebrate his life and am proud of the positive impact he made on so many others.


"A grandfather is a little bit parent, a little bit teacher and a little bit best friend." ~ Author unknown

                                    Paw paw with my niece.  This was about 6 months before he passed.

#13 Good Health

A couple weeks ago, I received an envelope in the mail from the March of Dimes.  In the envelope was was an actual dime with a stub to be sent back with a generous donation.  The gist of the letter was to return the dime and at the same time give a few of your own.  If you didn't know, The March of Dimes works to improve the health of mothers and newborn babies.  In a split instant I had a very selfish moment: Here I am wanting to be a mother with a newborn baby.  Why should I give to those that have a newborn baby for free when I have to save up to have one of my own?  I immediately suffered the guilt for feeling this way, even if was just for a moment.  As a result, I didn't throw the letter away, thinking maybe I would donate to redeem myself.  When Nick arrived home from work that day, I told him about the letter and to test him said, "I mean, we can't donate money to others, we need to raise our own money to afford IVF.  Right?"  Then Nick said something that made me so proud of him, "We should donate.  We don't need a black cloud looming over us.  We can't expect to have good fortune when we aren't willing to help others receive theirs."  I was shocked and pleasantly surprised with his remark.  Nick isn't cheap or greedy, but donating money has never been his thing.  I wrote a check to the March of Dimes and put in in the mailbox.

The next day after the mail man picked up my donation, I retrieved the new mail and walked back inside the house.  I told Nick that God was now messing with us because in the mail again was another fundraiser request.  It was for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and included a nickel and note saying that, "A generous gift, along with this nickel, can help save children's lives across Texas."  I also wrote them a check and sent it the next day.  A few days after, I received a phone call from the National Breast Cancer Foundation for a donation.  I decided that God was really having a good time at our expense.  I just pictured him looking down and laughing.  It made me smile, because man he really knows what he's doing!

What I soon found after receiving the fundraiser requests was that I was thankful that I am not the one needing a fundraiser.  In other words, I am a healthy and have been my whole life.  I have never had a  major illness and/or suffered from any traumatic injuries.  (Unless you count being hit in the nose by a softball when I was eight.  Though it was probably more traumatic for my mom then myself.)  My BMI is in the normal range, I have had doctors comment that I have the blood pressure of an athlete and I am pretty darn strong if I do say so myself.  Now, I realize that I am only twenty nine and that I have no idea what the future holds.  Life can change on a dime (no pun intended) and it's not always for the better.  Your health can change at any instant, some things are just out of our control.

Ok, I know what you're thinking.  Yes, I am infertile and there are people that say it is a disease, so technically my health isn't perfect.  However, infertility does not threaten my life and I can still do any physical activity I please.  Not to mention, if I wasn't healthy, managing infertility would be much more difficult.  So tonight during my bedtime prayer, I will include a little thanks for having twenty nine years of one less thing to worry about.

"The greatest wealth is health."  ~Virgil