Ok, so you read the title and know what I'm thankful for. If you are a fellow infertile, you understand and don't even need explanation. However, I beg you to keep on reading, because this is important. Today I learned of a woman that struggled with infertility and had recently taken her life because of it. Even though I didn't know this woman, when I heard this tragic news I felt an array of emotions.
Sad. I felt sad that this woman was in such pain that she felt she couldn't take it any more. I think we've all been there in our own struggles. Living with infertility means literally confronting emotional pain all day, every day. Every month that goes by and we experience another BFN, it is heart wrenching. I have often wondered, "How can I take this another month? I just want the pain to go away." The only possible situation that could make the pain go away would be to get pregnant or to not face another day. As terrible as it sounds, that is reality for an infertile woman. It's an every day struggle and it's not going anywhere. We can only hope to become tougher so that taking the pain every day gets easier. In a sense we do, but it's till there, nagging at us every waking moment.
Angry. I felt so angry that women are struggling with infertility and there is so little awareness. This woman obviously felt isolated and trapped. It doesn't help that people are so insensitive and oblivious to the infertile world or that most insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatments. I can not believe that ART is seen as elective treatment to insurance companies; as if it's a plastic surgery procedure done for vanity purposes. As if it's a choice we make. Infertile women face such apathy from others, including their own family members. I've experienced this with my family. I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer talk about my feelings regarding infertility with my own family. They act uneasy and bothered. I wonder if she encounterd this as well.
Lastly, I felt something that surprised me. I felt overwhelming gratitude. Not gratitude for what happened with this woman or her family, but that it made me see how thankful I am for other infertile women. Apparently, this woman did not feel as though she could reach out to anyone, including others in her same situation. For me, this has not been the case. Since finding the Inspire website and starting this blog, I have been amazed by the strength, kindness and concern from other infertile women. I have never met these women face to face and they don't know me from Adam, but they have taken the time to care about me. I have received messages from other women with advice, support, compliments and thanks. I have been able to help others that were in their darkest hour and some have helped me when I was in mine. Even though I am in this unfortunate circumstance, through it, I have seen the true, inner beauty of (wo)mankind. It takes my breath away.
Tonight, this woman and her family are in my prayers. For those that have supported me, I thank you. If you are in your darkest hour, reach out to someone, anyone. There is someone in this world who loves you enough to listen and help you through it. That in itself is worth living for.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." ~Steven Kloves
Oh my.. that is so sad, but I understand how her feelings got there. It's so easy to dwell on the negative when dealing with infertility. You HAVE to focus on the positive and work DAILY to change your thoughts or negativity, fear and despair can easily overtake you. One reason why I appreciate your blog and the commitment to count blessings! I don't know what I'd do without other infertiles to share our struggle with. It IS quite isolating and scary. :/
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. It literally takes effort to be positive and it is an everyday thing. All your messages to me have been wonderful and I count you as someone who has been supportive of me. Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this story.
ReplyDelete~Liz