#34 Christmas

Christmas has already come and gone, and man it was quick!  How does that happen?  Why does the Christmas season just fly by in a blink?  What makes it worse, is that I love Christmas.  I mean LOVE it.  I love decorating and shopping and receiving gifts and seeing others open gifts that I put a lot of thought into.  So the fact that my favorite time of year just speeds right by, makes me a little sad.  I get a little depressed when Christmas is over.  I hate taking down my tree and decorations, not because I'm lazy, but because I will miss it so much.  I guess the only consolation is that you get Christmas every year, and every year could be better than the last.  I've been keeping this thought in mind for the last four years.

Four Christmases have gone by since we started trying to conceive.  Seeing four Christmases come and go without any resolution has been really tough.  Each year I have this vision where I announce to everyone on Christmas day, that yes, we are expecting!  I even make it more dramatic by picturing myself wrapping framed photographs of the sonogram and giving it to our parents.  It sounds weird, I know, but it was my guilty pleasure to dream about this.  I envisioned it every year and not one time have I been able to do it.  I have never told anyone about this dream of mine, so when my brother told me how he was going to announce his wife's pregnancy to his two daughters, I was shocked at how similar it was.  He and his wife are going to wrap T-shirts that say "Im going to be a big sister" along with a picture of the sonogram as a gift to his girls.  This is how they are letting them know.  I feel like in a way, my dream was stolen, unbeknownst to him of course, but still, I will never get to have that now.  Even if we do conceive around Christmas in the future,  I won't follow through with my original plan because I won't feel like the idea was novel or special any more, even though I've had it perfectly planned in my head for over four years.  This is yet another dream I have to relinquish to infertility.  There have been so many.  When will it end?    

The first two Christmases of trying to conceive, I handled pretty well.  I think in the first two years, I still had some hope that it would still happen naturally.  Even last Christmas, which was the third, it wasn't so bad.  Maybe it was because my husband was still in school and it was somehow acceptable that we didn't have children yet.  This Christmas really stung though.  I felt the emptiness and hopelessness more than I ever had.  My husband and I are living in a beautiful home and he has an amazing job and we still aren't pregnant.  The natural order of things are not taking place, and it's difficult.  I feel like infertility took over my favorite time of year and I hate it.

When Christmas day arrived though, I put aside infertility and focused on the moment.  To my surprise, it turned out to be  a happy day and I felt thankful.  I had family in my home to cook for and share the day with.  I received so many gifts, I told Nick that I was really lucky.  I didn't deserve all these presents when there are so many people who have nothing.

In this moment, another thought came to me:  Infertility has changed me.  I am more sensitive now, more compassionate, more aware and less judgmental.  I think of others now instead of myself.  I am no where near perfect, but I am a better person in a lot of ways.  I wouldn't want to be the old me.   Don't let me fool you too much, I would much rather I had not experienced infertility all together, but I am happy with how I am turning out.  I am a better human being, and I think I am better equipped to be a mother to be quite honest.  I realized this Christmas how far I have come and how much I have matured.  I'm not sure any other day of the year would have done that for me.

Some how, some way, Christmas prevailed this year.  Despite the disappointment and the emptiness I feel most of the time, the spirit of Christmas overpowered infertility.  It really is my favorite time of year.

"Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself." ~ John MacNaughton

                              Christmas Eve several years ago.  Two days later, Nick would propose :)

#33 Fellow Infertiles

It has taken me FOREVER to post again.  I am a lazy blogger and I own it.  Not to mention, I always get thrown off by vacation.  The last time, I had gone out of town and took a two week hiatus.  Then I went out of town the weekend before Thanksgiving and then also for Thanksgiving, and took another hiatus.  I know--excuses, excuses.  Anyways, I am back, thankful and in full force.

Ok, so you read the title and know what I'm thankful for.  If you are a fellow infertile, you understand and don't even need explanation.  However, I beg you to keep on reading, because this is important.  Today I learned of a woman that struggled with infertility and had recently taken her life because of it.  Even though I didn't know this woman, when I heard this tragic news I felt an array of emotions.

Sad.  I felt sad that this woman was in such pain that she felt she couldn't take it any more.  I think we've all been there in our own struggles.  Living with infertility means literally confronting emotional pain all day, every day.  Every month that goes by and we experience another BFN, it is heart wrenching.  I have often wondered, "How can I take this another month?  I just want the pain to go away."  The only possible situation that could make the pain go away would be to get pregnant or to not face another day.  As terrible as it sounds, that is reality for an infertile woman.  It's an every day struggle and it's not going anywhere.  We can only hope to become tougher so that taking the pain every day gets easier.  In a sense we do, but it's till there, nagging at us every waking moment.

Angry.  I felt so angry that women are struggling with infertility and there is so little awareness.  This woman obviously felt isolated and trapped.  It doesn't help that people are so insensitive and oblivious to the infertile world or that most insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatments.  I can not believe that ART is seen as elective treatment to insurance companies; as if it's a plastic surgery procedure done for vanity purposes.  As if it's a choice we make.  Infertile women face such apathy from others, including their own family members.  I've experienced this with my family.  I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer talk about my feelings regarding infertility with my own family.  They act uneasy and bothered.  I wonder if she encounterd this as well.

Lastly, I felt something that surprised me.  I felt overwhelming gratitude.  Not gratitude for what happened with this woman or her family, but that it made me see how thankful I am for other infertile women.  Apparently, this woman did not feel as though she could reach out to anyone, including others in her same situation.  For me, this has not been the case.  Since finding the Inspire website and starting this blog, I have been amazed by the strength, kindness and concern from other infertile women.  I have never met these women face to face and they don't know me from Adam, but they have taken the time to care about me.  I have received messages from other women with advice, support, compliments and thanks.  I have been able to help others that were in their darkest hour and some have helped me when I was in mine.  Even though I am in this unfortunate circumstance, through it, I have seen the true, inner beauty of (wo)mankind.  It takes my breath away.

Tonight, this woman and her family are in my prayers.  For those that have supported me, I thank you.  If you are in your darkest hour, reach out to someone, anyone.  There is someone in this world who loves you enough to listen and help you through it.  That in itself is worth living for.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."  ~Steven Kloves

#32 Thanksgiving

It's been a while since I last posted, but I was out of town.  I went to my favorite place, my #3, Louisiana.  My mother, my sister, my twin nieces and I went on a girls' trip to shop and have a good time.  It was such a blast and every time I go back, I just wish I could stay forever.  That is how much I love Louisiana.  Louisiana is not by any means perfect.  It certainly has its flaws, but I manage to only focus on the positives and it keeps me wanting to go back time and time again.  While we were there, we also picked up my other two nieces (my brother's daughters) to bring them back to Texas to celebrate my #32, Thanksgiving.

Poor Thanksgiving.  As I have said in another blog, it is the middle child of Halloween and Christmas.  No one gets that excited about Thanksgiving.  It can best be illustrated by home decor.  Some people actually decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving is even over.  I always thought it was a little, okay a lot, ridiculous to put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving was even over.  Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday after all.  A day of family, delicious food and reflection of all the blessing in your life.  I thought I would NEVER be the person who overlooks Thanksgiving.

Well I guess you should never say NEVER because when I came back in town, turned the corner into my neighborhood and pulled into my driveway, my jaw nearly hit the floor.  While I was out of town, my husband went Clark Griswald on me and decorated our home in Christmas lights, candycane lit walkways and a HUGE blow up Santa Claus that pops out of a Christmas tree on our front lawn.  I was mortified.  Not just that, but he will not agree with me that all of it should not be turned on until after Thanksgiving.  So five days before Thanksgiving, I was the house with the most obnoxious Christmas decor on the street.  Sigh....I guess there are just some battles I refuse to fight.  Anyways, back to being thankful...

Thanksgiving is a time when entire families come together and celebrate each other.  They celebrate the blessings in their lives.  Every year my family cooks and gathers together and just enjoys being in each other's company.  It is such a wonderful feeling of love and gratefulness.  We recognize that we have each other, we have our health and we have everything in life we need and a lot of things that we want.  We really are so fortunate.

On this Thanksgiving, I will be thinking of a good friend from college.  He has been in the hospital and has been diagnosed with a disease called Guillain-Barre.  It basically is an autoimmune disorder where your own immune system attacks your nervous system.  Two weeks ago, he was rushed to the emergency room for extreme abdominal pain and shortly after he coded (his heart stopped) for the first time.  Since then, he has coded four more times and has lost all feeling in his lower extremities.   For Thanksgiving, he will be in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, not able to walk or even eat a big turkey dinner.  I can not imagine the frustration he must be feeling.  To not be able to enjoy the holidays or fix what is wrong with him.  Even though most fully recover from Guillain-Barre (this includes walking again), some do not.  For those that do fully recover, it takes years.  He has a long road ahead of him.  Here he was, new out of residency for dermatology, has a one year old son and a beautiful wife and now his life has been put on hold.  It makes me sad for him but also so grateful for my life.

Once again, I am reminded of how precious and fragile life is.  We shouldn't focus on what we don't have, but should instead focus on the blessings that are in our lives.  I sometimes get frustrated with my own hardship, but sometimes it takes a situation like my friend's to make me see that, yes, it could be worse and take advantage of how great you have it, because it could all change in an instant.

So I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for the happiness the day will bring.  I am thankful that my family is healthy and can gather together at my parents' home.  I am thankful that we will have a warm, heaping plate of delicious food set down before us.  I am thankful that my husband will be there to share it with me and that we aren't spending the day in a hospital room.  Thanksgiving is a pretty special day, even if it isn't full of candy and presents.  Instead, it fills your heart with appreciation.  Though often overlooked, I guess even the middle child has its time to shine.

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation." ~ Brian Tracy

#31 Shopping

You're probably rolling your eyes at me as you read the title of #31 and thinking, "Really?"  It seems shallow, but before you judge me or think I have the depth of a bathtub, read on so I can better explain why I feel shopping is a blessing in my life.

Here's the deal: I started my period yesterday.  It was particularly difficult.  It still happens, you know.  Some months, the period comes and I of course am sad, but I am able to ignore it and move on fairly quickly.  After four years, the arrival of a period has become more routine.  Most months, my reaction to it consists of a shrug of the shoulders, a sigh and utterance of "big (expletive) surprise" to myself.  Yesterday however, was very difficult.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I was down...really, really down.  I actually woke up at eight in the morning but when I went to the restroom and saw the evil bitch, I turned around and went back to bed....until noon.

It still amazes me how our bodies work.  How when you are so down and don't want to face the world, your body can just shut down and sleep.  And it's not like I had trouble getting to sleep yesterday evening either.  I went to bed fairly early last night after waking up only ten hours earlier.  Maybe it was from all the crying; I was emotionally drained.  Whatever it was, I felt my body was protecting me.  The only time I escape infertility is in my sleep.  Even though it sometimes bombards my dreams, for the most part, sleeping is a reprieve.

On days like this, I so wish I could sleep all day, but I physically can't.  Sleeping had certainly done me a favor by wiping out most of this shitty day, but I still was left with ten hours of consciousness to tackle.  I needed to find a way to get my mind off what was happening inside my body.  I didn't feel like cleaning, which is something I actually enjoy doing normally.  For some reason though, when I am down, cleaning and cooking just pisses me off.  I can not explain it.  I guess being productive when I feel so depressed does absolutely nothing to improve my mood.  Instead, I like to be worthless and indulgent.  The only clear solution to what was ailing me was 1. A chocolate binge and 2. Shopping.

So after gorging myself on Hershey bars and Rolos, I took a shower, put on a little makeup and dressed.  I left the house and went shopping.  I spent money.  It felt good.  I was still upset, but for those few hours that I was shopping, I was distracted.  I was on a shopping mission.  Whenever I am on one of these said missions, I am like a missile with an intended target.  My husband says he has never seen me so focused as when I am shopping for something that I have perfectly pictured in my mind.  I know what I want, I know what it should look like and I will not stop until I find it.  He jokingly says that he wishes I could redirect that focus into an activity that would make him some money instead of spending it.  Whatever.

Really though, I am a lucky girl.  My husband has a good job and he never truly reprimands me for shopping.  Though he teases me about it, I know he could care less.   I think he knows it's my therapy.  Not only does it make me happy when I find something to buy for myself, but shopping gives me a reason to get out of the house and face the day.  I can't cry in a mall.  I have to suck it up and not think about the disappointment.  My husband also realizes that it makes his life a whole lot easier if he lets me shop at will.  After a day of shopping, I am less of a basket case when he gets home from work.  He even acts interested when I show him all the things I bought.  (Yes, I know.  My husband is amazing.  I am extremely thankful.  See #1)

Now don't get me wrong, shopping does not fix the entire problem.  By swiping my credit card, my feelings regarding yesterday morning's catastrophe were not washed away.  Shopping is in no way a miracle worker.  There is an empty space in my heart and only one thing can fill it.  Nothing I can buy at a store and no carefree past time is ever going to be enough.  Right now as I go through month after month of heartache and disappointment, I have to constantly find diversions.  This is what keeps me sane through all this mess.

"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."  ~Tammy Faye Bakker

#30 Veterans

Here I am on #30, which is somewhat significant to me because I will be turning 30 in a couple months, so the number 30 kind of haunts me.  If you would have told me when I was 18 years old that I would one day turn 30 and have no children to show for it, I never would have believed it.  I always said that there was NO WAY that I would start having children in my thirties because that was simply too old. Yet, here I am.  To think that I started this crazy ride over four years ago and I am still without answers, is absolutely insane to me.  Four years and no progress, I never would have thought...  I'd like to slap some sense into the more youthful me because when we make plans, God laughs.  Not to mention, thirty is not old, damn it!

So I decided that for #30, I would dedicate this blog to a group of people who I greatly respect, and who have at some point in their lives also experienced years of conflict and heartache.  For them though, they fought it for a cause greater than themselves.  Even though Veteran's Day was last Friday, and I'm several days late, today I dedicate this blog to them.

I try to think of others that struggle with something, when I'm feeling especially sorry for myself.  For some reason, this helps me a lot.  I try to get myself out of the "why me" bubble and think that everyone experiences trials in their lives and this is just mine.  One thing I am constantly aware of is our veterans and what they have been through.  They have gone to war, in a foreign country, away from their family and the comfort of their homes.  They have seen hatred, death and tragedy.  The thing is, just because they come home, doesn't mean they are done with it.  For some, it haunts them all the days of their lives.  To think that they endured all of it to preserve freedom for others, is pretty amazing.  Whenever I think my battle with infertility is bad, I compare it to the physical battles that veterans have fought for my rights as a human being.  It kind of pales in comparison.

This is not to say that infertility is easy.  It's obviously not.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  For me though, realizing that infertility isn't the worst thing to go through, puts things into perspective.  To think that there are people that have been through horrific experiences so that I can enjoy all the freedoms that America has to offer humbles me and inspires me at the same time.  They are so strong and resilient.  This is how we all should be no matter what we face in life.  They have given us so much to be thankful for.  I refuse to allow infertility to keep me from seeing that.

"Life has many ways of testing a person's will; by having nothing happen at all...or by having everything happen all at once." ~Paulo Coelho

#29 Living Now

When I think of infertility and I think of the misunderstanding that there is surrounding it, I can become quite frustrated.  There really is a lot of ignorance in regards to infertility.  Most of the population has no clue.  Despite this, I realize that I am lucky in some ways.  I live now, in the present.  My circumstances are much easier than those that have come before me and faced infertility in an even more ignorant society.  I don't know how they dealt with it.  They had to have been tough and I have so much respect for them.  

Ever since there were humans living on this Earth, there were unfortunate women who suffered with this ailment.  In earlier times, the struggle for infertility was so much more difficult.  As taboo as infertility is now, it was so much worse back then.  It was always assumed to be the woman's fault when a couple could not conceive.  Women were shamed by their husbands and family.  There were no counselors or going to psychiatrists.  These women had NO ONE to turn to.  There was no medical treatment or procedures available for infertility.  Women had to give up the hopes of children without a fighting chance.  Their level of frustration must have been immense.

I think it's important to add that infertility is more common than people think.  Infertility affects 10% of the US population, a startling fact.  To put that stat in a number that might make it more clear, that is 6.1 million individuals.  All I can think, is that there are six million people struggling with the emotional pain of infertility right now.  I am one of them.

Lucky for me though,  I don't live in the medieval times or pioneer days.  I live in the modern world with internet and cell phones.  I can write about my problems and post here on this blog for others to see.  I have received heartfelt feedback from some very strong and amazing women.  It makes me feel less alone.  I can go to the Inspire website and ask for information or advice from other infertile women or just vent when I am feeling down or angry.  In response, I hear from women who can tell me their story and how they reacted in the same instance.  It makes me feel validated.   I can search on the internet for the best infertility specialists and seek medical treatment to increase my odds of falling pregnant.  It may not work, but at least I have more options and can feel like I am putting up a good fight.

Why was I born now and not back then?  I'm not sure. I'm not sure how life works.  Infertility has shown me just how out of control and clueless I really am.  I'm not sure if there is a bigger plan or if everything just happens as it does without nothing more than a scientific theory for explanation.  Despite this, I am grateful that I live in a time of great medical achievement, technology and a broader awareness.  We still have a long way to go, but we are much better off now then the women who came long before us.

"Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses." ~Marquise du Deffand

    

#28 Kaleb

I have been feeling better since the last time I posted.  I am starting to get used to the idea that my sister-in-law is pregnant.  The anger of feeling, " Why can't it happen to us that quickly?' has subsided considerably.  I will see my brother and his wife this weekend and I'm just going to have to suck it up, the way all of us infertiles have to do all the time.  We constantly set aside our feelings for others, and it is exhausting.

I knew that I needed to find another thankful, one that was a little bit happier and light hearted.  I was trying to think of the perfect thing to write about and my sister just so happened to tell me a story yesterday about my nephew, Kaleb, and it made me see why I am so thankful he is a part of my life.

Kaleb is one of the cutest five year olds that you will ever see.  He is dark complected, has brown eyes and brown hair and is skinny as a rail.  He actually looks nothing like my sister and though you can see a lot of my brother-in-law in him, he still could be someone else's child easily.  When he was a baby my sister would take him to the grocery store with her, and she would constantly come home with stories of people asking her if he was actually her child.  Some would even ask if she adopted him from another country or would ask what the ethnicity of his father was.  People have even asked if he was Asian.  To me, he looks part Native American because that is where his looks come from.  My brother-in-law has Native American descent from his mother's side, and boy did Kaleb inherit that gene.

Though he is beautiful, that is not even close to the reason that I love him so much.  He is hilarious.  The things that come out of that kid's mouth are sometimes out of left field.  When he was about 3 or 4 years old he became obsessed with animals.  He would constantly tell us that the only thing he wanted for a pet was a baby shark but "it had to be the whale shark because it won't attack anybody."  We would say, "What about a dog or cat buddy?" and he would say, "No, those are boring."  He also has a tendency to say big words for his age, but he says them the wrong way.  For example, one time he asked me, "If I shake this can of soda and open it, will it bisload?"  When I asked what "bisloads" meant, he answered with, "You know, when stuff bisloads everywhere."  Translation: bisloads=explodes, in case you were wondering.  My family has given him the nickname of the "little old man" because sometimes the things that come out of his mouth, you would never expect from a five year old.  Case in point: Every day after picking up her kids from school, my sister drives under an overpass on her way home.  Apparently, under this overpass, several homeless people reside and they are there every single day.  So seeing as though school has been in session for about three months, my sister's kids have observed this for well over 40 days.  Yesterday, Kaleb states as they are passing the homeless, "Seriously?  Begging for food again?  Get a job."

When my sister told me this, I of course laughed. Then I shared it with Nick and we then laughed about it together.  Then I thought, "I have to make Kaleb my next thing to be thankful for!"  Before I heard this story, I wasn't in a terrible mood, but I was still a little hardened.  But afterwards, I was suddenly soft again and really lighthearted.  Kaleb makes me laugh, he always has.  Anything that makes you laugh, you should be thankful for.  Theres' the old and famous saying that, "laughter is the best medicine."  Yesterday made me really understand the truth of that statement.  

Since hearing of my sister-in-law's pregnancy, even though I have tried my best, my battle against negative thoughts has been tough.  It has been difficult to honestly and completely feel grateful, because those negative thoughts were winning the battle.  However, Kaleb turned it around with that one, hilarious statement.  Laughter gave me the little bit of extra energy that I needed to finally resolve my inner conflict.      

I am constantly amazed by how in some ways it hurts to be around my nieces or nephews, but at the same time, they're the only ones that can get me out of a self-pitying stupor.  From now on, I am going to try to think about that when I think of my brother's future child.  Though it hurts, he or she will undoubtedly become another blessing in my life.    

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities."  ~Jean Houston

                                                         Here's my little man, Kaleb.