About me, the quintessential infertile turtle

First let me tell you about me. My name is Renee, and I am a 29 year old teacher (out of work currently), who is infertile. Infertile like, my husband and I have been trying for 4 years and not one child yet. We have been to several doctors and have had several tests run. I have been through surgery, charting, so many blood draws that I look like a heroin addict, IUI, shots, HSG (twice), and heartache of course. The diagnosis: unexplained infertility. How frustrating! Because getting pregnant naturally is not likely to ever happen, my husband and I have decided to save up for IVF. The tentative date for this IVF is January 2012.


So why am I writing a blog about it you might ask? I decided in the meantime, I could be more positive. Infertility literally takes a woman to her lowest point. It will test your faith, beliefs, and womanhood. I have prayed for one thing for four years! Anyways, my sulking, crying and why me attitude hasn't gotten me anywhere, so I decided to do something that could make me happy until the day we can actually afford IVF. This blog serves to distract me and purge me of all the negative thoughts I've been feeling for four years.


These past four years have been an emotional roller coaster. Each month for an infertile woman consists of two weeks of hope, a week of anticipation and a week of complete and utter despair. So to lift my spirits until that glorious day when a doctor can insert a couple of embryos into my uterus, I am going to be thankful. That's right, you heard me. I am not going to focus on my infertility. Instead I am going to focus on the things I have to be thankful for. Each day I will pick another thing that I am thankful for and relate it to my journey of infertility in a positive light. It can be anything: a person, place, feeling, belief or an actual object that I love. I truly believe in the power of perspective, acceptance and attitude.


"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile." ~Author Unknown

Monday, November 14, 2011

#30 Veterans

Here I am on #30, which is somewhat significant to me because I will be turning 30 in a couple months, so the number 30 kind of haunts me.  If you would have told me when I was 18 years old that I would one day turn 30 and have no children to show for it, I never would have believed it.  I always said that there was NO WAY that I would start having children in my thirties because that was simply too old. Yet, here I am.  To think that I started this crazy ride over four years ago and I am still without answers, is absolutely insane to me.  Four years and no progress, I never would have thought...  I'd like to slap some sense into the more youthful me because when we make plans, God laughs.  Not to mention, thirty is not old, damn it!

So I decided that for #30, I would dedicate this blog to a group of people who I greatly respect, and who have at some point in their lives also experienced years of conflict and heartache.  For them though, they fought it for a cause greater than themselves.  Even though Veteran's Day was last Friday, and I'm several days late, today I dedicate this blog to them.

I try to think of others that struggle with something, when I'm feeling especially sorry for myself.  For some reason, this helps me a lot.  I try to get myself out of the "why me" bubble and think that everyone experiences trials in their lives and this is just mine.  One thing I am constantly aware of is our veterans and what they have been through.  They have gone to war, in a foreign country, away from their family and the comfort of their homes.  They have seen hatred, death and tragedy.  The thing is, just because they come home, doesn't mean they are done with it.  For some, it haunts them all the days of their lives.  To think that they endured all of it to preserve freedom for others, is pretty amazing.  Whenever I think my battle with infertility is bad, I compare it to the physical battles that veterans have fought for my rights as a human being.  It kind of pales in comparison.

This is not to say that infertility is easy.  It's obviously not.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  For me though, realizing that infertility isn't the worst thing to go through, puts things into perspective.  To think that there are people that have been through horrific experiences so that I can enjoy all the freedoms that America has to offer humbles me and inspires me at the same time.  They are so strong and resilient.  This is how we all should be no matter what we face in life.  They have given us so much to be thankful for.  I refuse to allow infertility to keep me from seeing that.

"Life has many ways of testing a person's will; by having nothing happen at all...or by having everything happen all at once." ~Paulo Coelho
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