#31 Shopping

You're probably rolling your eyes at me as you read the title of #31 and thinking, "Really?"  It seems shallow, but before you judge me or think I have the depth of a bathtub, read on so I can better explain why I feel shopping is a blessing in my life.

Here's the deal: I started my period yesterday.  It was particularly difficult.  It still happens, you know.  Some months, the period comes and I of course am sad, but I am able to ignore it and move on fairly quickly.  After four years, the arrival of a period has become more routine.  Most months, my reaction to it consists of a shrug of the shoulders, a sigh and utterance of "big (expletive) surprise" to myself.  Yesterday however, was very difficult.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I was down...really, really down.  I actually woke up at eight in the morning but when I went to the restroom and saw the evil bitch, I turned around and went back to bed....until noon.

It still amazes me how our bodies work.  How when you are so down and don't want to face the world, your body can just shut down and sleep.  And it's not like I had trouble getting to sleep yesterday evening either.  I went to bed fairly early last night after waking up only ten hours earlier.  Maybe it was from all the crying; I was emotionally drained.  Whatever it was, I felt my body was protecting me.  The only time I escape infertility is in my sleep.  Even though it sometimes bombards my dreams, for the most part, sleeping is a reprieve.

On days like this, I so wish I could sleep all day, but I physically can't.  Sleeping had certainly done me a favor by wiping out most of this shitty day, but I still was left with ten hours of consciousness to tackle.  I needed to find a way to get my mind off what was happening inside my body.  I didn't feel like cleaning, which is something I actually enjoy doing normally.  For some reason though, when I am down, cleaning and cooking just pisses me off.  I can not explain it.  I guess being productive when I feel so depressed does absolutely nothing to improve my mood.  Instead, I like to be worthless and indulgent.  The only clear solution to what was ailing me was 1. A chocolate binge and 2. Shopping.

So after gorging myself on Hershey bars and Rolos, I took a shower, put on a little makeup and dressed.  I left the house and went shopping.  I spent money.  It felt good.  I was still upset, but for those few hours that I was shopping, I was distracted.  I was on a shopping mission.  Whenever I am on one of these said missions, I am like a missile with an intended target.  My husband says he has never seen me so focused as when I am shopping for something that I have perfectly pictured in my mind.  I know what I want, I know what it should look like and I will not stop until I find it.  He jokingly says that he wishes I could redirect that focus into an activity that would make him some money instead of spending it.  Whatever.

Really though, I am a lucky girl.  My husband has a good job and he never truly reprimands me for shopping.  Though he teases me about it, I know he could care less.   I think he knows it's my therapy.  Not only does it make me happy when I find something to buy for myself, but shopping gives me a reason to get out of the house and face the day.  I can't cry in a mall.  I have to suck it up and not think about the disappointment.  My husband also realizes that it makes his life a whole lot easier if he lets me shop at will.  After a day of shopping, I am less of a basket case when he gets home from work.  He even acts interested when I show him all the things I bought.  (Yes, I know.  My husband is amazing.  I am extremely thankful.  See #1)

Now don't get me wrong, shopping does not fix the entire problem.  By swiping my credit card, my feelings regarding yesterday morning's catastrophe were not washed away.  Shopping is in no way a miracle worker.  There is an empty space in my heart and only one thing can fill it.  Nothing I can buy at a store and no carefree past time is ever going to be enough.  Right now as I go through month after month of heartache and disappointment, I have to constantly find diversions.  This is what keeps me sane through all this mess.

"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."  ~Tammy Faye Bakker