#27 Strength

Ok yesterday was horrid.  I have been pretty good for a few months.  I might have a day here or there when I feel a little more down and it takes me a while to see any clarity, but in the end I will not allow infertility to ruin my entire day. Well, yesterday just plain sucked.  It's funny because I was just thinking to myself last week that, "I haven't heard of any new pregnancies from anyone for a while.  It is eerily quiet...too quiet."  In my head I started to go through my list of friends (that already have children) thinking of who is probably going to end up pregnant next and announce it on facebook.  I call it dropping the bomb because that is what it feels like.  It is not pleasant for anyone going through infertility.  We can try to act happy and tell them how excited we are for them, but in truth, it is just a big act.  We are not happy, we are miserable and in pain and would like nothing more than to punch or break something.  Well I didn't get a facebook bomb attack yesterday, instead I got a phone call....from my brother.

My brother and his current wife were married after my husband and I.  They are well aware of the struggles that Nick and I have had with trying to conceive.  They know of the heartache that I feel and they are completely sympathetic and have been very supportive.  However, two months ago they announced to us that they were going to start trying.  They were so excited and giddy when they told us.  I remember that.  I remember when Nick and I decided to not use protection any more and consciously start trying to have a child.  We too, were excited and upbeat, thinking that in a few months or less I would have a little baby growing inside me.  For the first few months we would joke around during the two week wait saying, "I wonder if little Jack or Avery is in there?"(The names that we picked out, just like every newly married couple does for their first born children).  Then months passed and we stopped being excited and no longer joked.  More months passed and our optimism started to disappear.  Instead of anticipation, we started to fill with worry and dread for the inevitable.  Something was wrong and we may be one of those unfortunate couples.  As years passed and we saw doctors who could not diagnose us or give us any definitive answers, the words "when we have children" changed to "if we have children."  We were and remain full of uncertainty and frustration.

What angers me sometimes, is reflecting on what has been taken away from my husband and I.  My brother and his wife were able to feel the excitement of trying and then in two months have what they wanted.  For them, the normal milestones in life are taking place in the right order and exactly like they should.  Nick and I will never have that experience.  I feel robbed and cheated and it makes me sad and angry.

What is so difficult about their pregnancy is that it is so close to me.  I can not escape this pregnancy.  I cannot isolate myself from them.  Most of the time I can just distance myself from a pregnant friend so that I don't have to see the belly growing and her waddling in that cute way that only pregnant women do.  I can't just send a gift for the shower and not show up.  I can't just talk around it or change the subject when they bring it up.  It is my brother and I love him.  I have to act like I am just as ecstatic as they are and swallow the lump in my throat.

For us infertiles, when someone tells us they are pregnant, we smile and appear thrilled for them....but we're not.  It sounds bad, but it's honest.  We know everyone deserves happiness and we wouldn't wish infertility on anyone else, but we are so overcome by sadness for what we can not have, that we do not feel happiness. When we hear a pregnancy announcement, it feels like your heart is being torn out.  It may sound cliche, but unless you've ever experienced it, you'll never truly be able to comprehend.  Some people may say we are being selfish for feeling this way, but let me just put it to you like this:  my brother and his wife tried for two months and became pregnant and we've been trying for 50.  They could get pregnant 25 times in this time span, and here I am with empty arms and an aching heart.  If a pregnant woman really expects me to overcome my feelings of grief to shower her with joy, I believe that she is the selfish one, not me.  Would you expect a poor person, struggling to make ends meet, to be excited for a rich friend who wins the lottery on their first (or second) try after they have played every week for years and years?  I don't think so.  Would you then expect them to attend a party or "shower" celebrating their win and in addition to that, buy them a gift for it?  No.  If you feel this scenario isn't a fair comparison, you're absolutely right.  Having a child is so much more valuable than a lottery prize that no number can justify it.

So here I am, still a little pissed, still a little sad, trying to be an inspiration, trying to think of what I am thankful for through this emotional pain.  The only thing that comes to mind in this particular moment is my strength.  I haven't crumbled completely under this stress. Though I feel that I have come very close, I am still intact.  I am still waking up every day, trying to remain positive and putting on a happy face for the world.  I believe it takes an insurmountable amount of strength to continue on this journey and not give up, still trying despite every failed test and procedure.

Smiling through the pain so as to not make anyone else feel uncomfortable takes considerable resolve.  At times, I am not sure if I can do it, and other times I am not sure how much more I can take....but somehow I always manage.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together, when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." ~Unknown

#26 Autumn Weather

Finally!  It took until today for Texas to finally realize it is fall and the weather is just beautiful.  Don't get me wrong, I am a warm weather girl.  When I had to move to Nebraska for the past few years, the winters nearly killed me.  I detest snow and I have absolutely no desire to be in cold weather.  However, when you live in Texas and experience 100+ degree weather for months and a drought to accompany it, fall weather is a relief.

I was born in the south and have lived in the south nearly my entire life (the past three years are the exception).  I love warm, sunny weather.  I love feeling the sun beat down on my shoulders.  I am cold natured, so winter weather really isn't my cup of tea.  Fall weather isn't cold though, it is cool; a huge difference.  It provides a little variety and it creates a feeling that is difficult to explain.  The best way to describe it is that it's a mix of nostalgia and excitement.

When I step outside and experience the first fall day of every year, I almost become giddy.  I think of trick or treating as a child.  I start to remember all the costumes that I wore, and the excitement I felt as I came home to dump my pillow case of candy on the floor of my bedroom so that I could sort and pick out the candy I really didn't like.  I would always throw away the peanut butter candies that are wrapped in the black and orange paper.  (Beware, if you are buying this candy for young trick or treaters, word will get around, your house will be skipped and you will be left with an entire bowl of it.)  I remember setting aside the Bit-O-Honey candy for my Mom and the Dots for my Dad.  Not just because they weren't my favorites, I didn't mind them, but I knew how much my parents loved them.

Fall weather also makes me feel anticipation and excitement for the Christmas season.  I know you're probably be thinking, "What about Thanksgiving?"  Let's just be honest, Thanksgiving is the middle child of Halloween and Christmas, and is overlooked by everyone, including all major department stores.     Today I went out shopping and every store I went to was stocked with Christmas decorations.  I could have spent hundreds of dollars, but decided to wait until it's a little closer to Christmas so as to not feel too ridiculous buying Christmas decor in October.  While I was driving around I put Elvis Christmas in the CD player and sang along.  I later asked my husband if it was too soon to be playing it and he replied with, "NEVER!"  My husband and I feel exactly the same about Christmas.  We love the music, we love decorating and we love the gifts.  I am really looking forward to Christmas this year.  Most of all, I can't wait to spend time with family and feel that overwhelming sense of togetherness that somehow can't be matched any other time of year.  Fall is a precursor to all of this and I can't wait!

It's not just me that adores fall weather, I find that it is loved by all.  Since I have moved into my new neighborhood, I have yet to see kids playing in the streets.  However, today there were several children outside; laughing, playing and staying out until the street lights came on.  Even my dog acts differently when the weather starts getting cooler.  She goes in our backyard and lays in the cool grass and just looks out and listens to the noises of nature for hours at a time.  When she came inside today, she seemed happier than usual.

Right now in my life, when some days seem to have a huge cloud looming over them as I struggle to understand the position I am in, and I feel like I have absolutely no control over my destiny, I really appreciate a day like today.  It is comforting to know that, no matter how many months I am let down, I can always depend on nature for a beautiful gift.  I just have to remember to keep my eyes and heart open so I don't miss it.

So right now, I am going to stop writing.  I am going to soak in as much fall weather as I possibly can, sit outside and throw the ball to my dog.  This is the south after all, and this gorgeous fall weather is not going to last for very long.

As for the quote below,  I believe that infertility is a part of my spring and that I too will transition to the autumn season soon.

"Youth is like spring, an over praised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes.  Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits."  ~Samuel Butler

#25 My BFF

I have written a blog about friends already.  It was dedicated to all my friends and how the time I spend with them provides me with an escape from the pains of infertility.  However, I never mentioned a specific friend so I decided I would dedicate today's blog to a very special friend, my BFF, Anna.

Anna and I met while teaching high school.  We were both in our first year of teaching, were the same age (our birthdays are six days apart), were both capricorns and had graduated from rivaling high schools.  We were both southern girls: she was originally from Georgia and I was from Louisiana.  We clicked and became best friends immediately.  Anna has the type of personality that people fall in love with upon first meeting her.  She is sweet,  hilarious, feisty and has a strong southern accent to boot.  Although we are similar in many ways, socially, I come across more reserved, Anna is outgoing and gregarious.  We just gelled.

In 2008, my husband and I moved away from the south and away from all my family and friends, including Anna.  When I first moved, we kept in touch regularly.  As the months passed and I struggled with infertility and depression, I didn't keep in touch as well and began to isolate myself.  I didn't tell anyone about my infertility, including Anna.  I felt embarrassed by it.  Anna went on to get pregnant and have a little boy.  I withdrew from her even more.  I sent her a baby gift to replace my absence at her baby shower and she called to thank me.  Other than that, our correspondence was  sporadic at best.  I missed her and felt ashamed for my abandonment of our relationship, but I just couldn't muster up the strength to be happy and talk to her about her child when I could barely smile or keep from crying on a daily basis.

In June of 2011, my husband and I moved back down south and I am so much happier.  When you are struggling with infertility, it is so nice to at least be comfortable in your surroundings.  Shortly after moving into our new home we went on vacation to Jamaica for some much needed relaxation.  I came back feeling rejuvenated and content.  I felt that even though I was still infertile, things were starting to turn around for me.  I started to see all the blessings in my life and I started writing this blog.  I began to feel liberated from the shackles of infertility.  I was no longer allowing it to rule my world.

Then a few weeks ago, out of the blue, Anna sent me an email asking me how I was doing and telling me she would love to see me since I was now living much closer.  I sent an email back and poured my heart out, explaining why I had been so distant and what I had been going through all these years.  I immediately felt the relief as one more chain of infertility was no longer holding me down.

In a matter of a few hours, Anna replied to my email with a phone call and she expressed how sorry she was for my plight and that she had no idea.  She went on to tell me that she was struggling with some personal problems that were very trying on her as well.  We commiserated together and even managed to find the humor in our predicament.  Making jokes and laughing at ourselves was something we have always done well.  It started to sink in that though I had been suffering for the past few years, I had managed to be pretty selfish.  I had not been there for her, and I had not allowed her to be there for me.  However, a best friend should always understand why, and she did.  It felt so good talking to her and having someone that I care about so deeply truly listen about my infertility without making an insensitive remark or adding her two cents.  She commended me for dealing with infertility, telling me that she believes it has to be one of the most difficult things to encounter in life and that most people don't even come close to feeling the emotional pain that I have felt for four years.  She validated all my feelings with that statement.  (Empowering others is something that we teachers are really good at.)    

Having a best friend like Anna is one of life's greatest gifts.  A best friend is understanding and kind.  She wants to build you up instead of tear you down.  And no matter how many years pass, she will welcome you back with open arms and you'll feel like you've never been gone.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."  ~Henri Nouwen

#24 Claire

It has been a loooong time since I last posted.  I actually feel guilty about it.  It's not that I haven't been thankful, but I have been in a pretty good mind set.  I guess this is an indication that this blog is working like I wanted it to!  Still, I feel like there's also a lazy element to it to be quite honest.  When I first started this blog, I had finally come to an epiphany that I was just plain sick of being miserable due to infertility.  I realized that I needed to find a way to get myself out of the funk and fuel myself with positive thoughts.  I had a lot of energy at the time.  I am a little more settled now and finding that some days, I don't feel that same passion to write.  However, I recently was contacted by someone who followed my blog, wondering where I had gone to.  I realized that this journey is bigger than myself.  It's amazing how infertility has shown me how selfish we humans tend to be.  So while I can't promise to be perfect, I am going to try to be more dedicated like I was in the beginning.  If I am helping at least one person through this personal hell, that is enough to drive me to be a better person and not to be so self centered.  Now on to being thankful....

Over the past few weeks, I have had contact with some pretty unruly and ill behaved children and it makes me feel a little conflicted.  When I am around kids like this I think several thoughts: 1. "Oh my gosh, kids these days are so bad.  Parents do not discipline any more." 2. "I hope that when I have kids, they do not act like this.  Never mind that, I will not ALLOW my kids to behave this way." 3. "Holy crap, karma is going to bite me in the ass because I will probably have terribly behaved children for thinking these things." 4. "Am I cut out to have children?  Should they be annoying me this much?" 5.  "Does God think I can't handle kids and this is why he made me infertile?"  Which allows me to sidetrack for a second to reiterate why infertility sucks: it creates this type of thinking.  It makes you question if you are cut out for motherhood.  As if by divine intervention, God is letting you know that you didn't make the grade.

Then I assure myself with a few thoughts: 1. I am pretty sure that abusive and neglectful parents do not deserve to be parents, so therefore God actually does not micromanage in this way.  2. I have been around plenty of wonderful kids that do not get on my nerves, so really it's just that these kids are legitimately bad.  3. I can actually think of a specific child that does not get on my nerves, my niece Claire, whom I LOVE to be around.

Seriously, Claire is such an amazing child, I am so thankful she is in my life.  Claire is the kind of child that every parent would love to have.  She is the second daughter of my brother and she is eight years old.  Her older sister is Kayla, who is my #15.  Claire is the sweetest, most loving child I have ever been around.  She rarely gets in trouble.  She is a people pleaser.  She will ask before doing anything.  If all of my nieces and nephews are playing, and a fight breaks out, we ask Claire what really happened.  The other kids will finger point and make accusations, but not my little Claire bear.  She is always fair and honest.  God, I love her!

As wonderful a child she is now, Claire was an equally wonderful baby.  She rarely cried and she always smiled.  As a baby her big, crystal blue eyes were so striking.  They cut right through you.  She had the most high pitched sweet voice I have ever heard.  When we would ask her what her name was, she would reply in that little voice, "Claire Bear B---," as if Bear was her middle name.  One of my favorite memories of her was when she was about two and I told her that I would read to her and to go get some books.  She quickly ran into her bedroom and ran back with a stack of books.  She kept dropping them on her way to me.  As she would pick up one dropped book, she would turn around and drop another.  She finally looked at me with a frustrated face and said in that tiny, precious voice, "It's so heavy Nene."  My heart broke and I ran over to help her immediately.

This past summer, Claire and Kayla came and stayed with Nick and I one week.  They were such a joy to be around and Nick said that any time they wanted to stay with us, he would be more than happy to have them.  Their presence in our home was so heart warming.  It made me imagine what it must be like for people that have their own children.  Even though I recognize that having children is tough and frustrating at times, I would fathom that there are also so many fulfilling moments that make it all worth it.

Sure, Claire is special; there are few kids by nature that are this amenable.  However, Claire has made me see that the good definitely outweighs the bad.  Even if I end up having a slew of difficult kids, it would be worth it if they are even just a little bit like her.

"Little girls are the nicest things that happen to people. They are born with a little bit of angelshine about them, and though it wears thin sometimes there is always enough left to lasso your heart. . ." ~Alan Beck

                                            Claire at Disney World.  

#23 Support

When I started writing this blog, I vowed to be more positive and change my attitude, but at the same time, I knew I would not be perfect.  In other words, some days are just really crappy and some days are wonderful.  Because of this blog, the crappy days are becoming fewer and farer between.  None the less, I still have those days.  Usually it is triggered by something.  It might be something I have read, a TV show, my period or ovulation, seeing a pregnant woman in public or learning of a friend who is now pregnant with a second or third child.  I literally want to reach out and slap them, even though I know it's not their fault.

It may seem difficult to understand why infertile women can seem so bitter and angry (sometimes I am really ashamed of my own bitterness) but I truly believe it is a natural reaction for us.  We have to fight the instinct to feel this way.  So yes, I still have those thoughts and those moments, but I fight harder now against them.  I see a complete transformation in my attitude, my stress level and my maturity because of it.  I am enjoying life again.

Today, I was set off by something I read that was posted on the Inspire website by a fellow infertile.  Here is the link if you'd like to read: http://www.inspire.com/groups/finding-a-resolution-for-infertility/discussion/this-was-in-the-newsletter-for-the-american-society-for-women-in-accounting/

Basically, this article presents the proper etiquette when speaking or trying to support a woman who is infertile.  This article really hit the nail on the head.  I would love to send it to my sister and mother, with the intention that maybe they can better understand what I am going through. Of course, I don't know if I could send it.  I feel like even if I did, they still wouldn't get it.  I also found that I was actually saddened by the pitying undertones of the entire article.   Almost like, "Feel sorry for her because she may never have the joy that you have.  You have to learn to walk on egg shells when you are around her..."  You get the gist.  But what really made me upset about this article was that it was so true.  I was angry that I had to be one of the minority of people dealing with this.  I was one of these freaks of nature that everyone had to handle with kid gloves.  Why in the hell is this happening?  I had a moment of heartache and then anger--the usual.

Then I remembered my vow to myself and I tried to find the positive.  This is what I mean by a constant struggle.  I takes a lot of strength to dig yourself out of the pity rut and into a more favorable mind set.  So what about this article, which I would have been better off not reading, was worthy of my gratitude?  It took me a trip to Target and a small chocolate binge later to figure it out.  What this article showed me was that there are people out there who care.  There are people who are considerate and sympathize a great deal with our hardship.  They want to see us happy and are willing to give a lot of effort in order to not insult us or make us feel worse about our plight.

As infertiles, we feel really lonely in our suffering.  We need support.  We need the people that we love in our life to be there for us.  Most importantly, we want people to understand that we are not bitter individuals, we are just a little damaged.  In order for others to understand the grief of infertility, there needs to be awareness.  This article was not written to be condescending, but rather to help develop support for us.  What better way to do that than to reach out to the people that can help an infertile woman the most, i.e., her loved ones?

So though at first I was upset and put off by this article, in the end, I see the altruism in it.  Infertility is never going to be completely cured.  There will be infertile men and women until the end of time.  However, in order for the pains of infertility to be lessened, whether it be by financial support or emotional, I truly believe there has to be awareness.  So all of us infertiles need to do our part by making those around us informed by teaching them how to help us.  It's time that we ask ourselves why we were put in this predicament and what we are going to do about it.

I think I am going to send that article to my mom and sister after all.

"Those that know, do.  Those that understand, teach." ~Aristotle

                         Me with my family.  They are my support, even if  I have to teach them how to be.

#22 Morning Walks

Every morning around ten o'clock, I put on a tank top, some running shorts and my tennis shoes.  I get my dog on her leash, put the Ipod buds in my ears and leave my house.  I venture out on my morning walk.  I tour through the neighborhood and then further on to the local park and walking path.  I travel the winding trail with overhanging trees, birds flying overhead and the sun beating on my shoulders.  During my walk I listen to music and think about everything.  I think about what I am going to cook for dinner.  I think about what errands or housework needs to be done.  I wonder what my family is doing.  I remember a funny memory or good time.  Most importantly, I sort out my feelings and work through problems.  This usually consists of contemplating my infertility and our future plans regarding it.  My morning walks are not just one of life's pleasures.  For me, it's almost a necessity.  I feel so much more at ease afterwards.

Lately, I have really been thinking about IVF on my morning walks.  It is such a big decision and I still don't know if it's the right one.  It is so much money and it may not work.  It will be a hard pill to swallow if that much money is thrown into something that will have no positive outcome.

Ethically, I'm not sure how I feel about any of it.  IVF itself is an unnatural way of conceiving children.  If I do end up conceiving, will my children feel strange about it?  If the process is successful, I know for sure that I will not be ok with destroying any excess embryos.  So if there are any left over, what do we do?  I have thought that we would freeze them, but what if we don't need them in the future?  Then what?  I have mulled over the thought of donating our embryos to another couple in need.  Then I think, "Would I really want someone else raising my children?  How can I give my babies away when I have struggled so long to have them?"

It is so much to think about it.  I just can't believe that so many women get pregnant so easily, yet here I am, strapped with sadness, stress and heavy decisions in my four year effort to get pregnant.  It takes a lot of will power to not allow myself to get wrapped up in the thoughts of infertility every hour of every day.  It is literally a constant struggle for me to not obsess about it.

In my morning walks however, I allow myself to get lost in my thoughts.  Sometimes infertility takes up the entire walk (and my walks last an hour), but I tell myself that it's ok.  These late morning strolls are peaceful and calming--the best environment for me to mull over infertility and the many choices involved.  It makes me more level headed in my thoughts and emotions.

Anyone struggling with infertility knows that you have your good days and you have your bad days.  No matter what day it is for me though, I know I can always count on one hour of tranquility. I believe that everyone should find their one peaceful activity and do it every single day.  They will find that sometimes the best answers are found in the quiet moments of everyday life.

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it." ~Dorothy Thompson

                                     

#21 My twin nieces

This past weekend was filled with good times and hard work.  My parents just moved close to my siblings and I in Texas.  They are now only an hour away and I am really excited.  We drove in to help them move in to their brand new home on Saturday.  While I was in town, I also was able to see my beautiful two year old identical twin nieces.  It was so wonderful spending time with them while they are still young.  I can't even begin to explain how adorable they are.  They mean the world to me!

On Saturday, my husband and I, my brother, my sister in law and my parents were hanging out together and waiting for the moving trucks to arrive with my parents' belongings.  My sister in law, Kathryn and I started talking and decided we had to see our nieces.  It had just been too long.  We called my sister, who was too busy to get out of the house, to see if we could pick them up and watch them for the day.  Even though we would be helping my parents later, my nieces are so well behaved, we knew we could handle it.  She eagerly agreed to let us take them off her hands so she could get some much needed work done around the house.

When we picked them up, they were all smiles and were thrilled to see us.  They are girls about town--they love going out or as they call it "going bye-bye."  We put them in our car and Kathryn drove us to meet everyone else at a restaurant for lunch.  On the way in the car, I would constantly point out things on the side of the road, like a truck, flag or balloon.  Kinsey, the more talkative of the two, would exclaim, "I see it Nene, I see it!"  It made my heart melt to hear her excitedly say the name that all my nieces and nephews affectionately call me.  Kylie, the more quiet (and sassy) of the twins would reach out her hand towards me in the car so that I would attempt to reach out and touch it back.  Just when I would get close enough, she'd retract her hand and start laughing hysterically.  They are so adorable and so much fun, I wish I could put them in my pocket and keep them with me at all times.

Being with Kylie and Kinsey is a mix of emotions for me.  At times, I feel an ache in my heart, because I so wish I could have a set of twins as precious as they are.  When my sister told me that she was pregnant for a third time, it made me extremely envious.  When she called a few weeks later to tell me that it was twins instead of just one child, I was beyond heartbroken due to my predicament.  Here was my sister already with two wonderful children and she gets two more, at the same time.  It just didn't seem fair.  Why couldn't I just have one?

Though I feel this heart break when I am around them, at the same time I am filled with such an overflowing love, that I can't feel anything but blessed that they are a part of my life.  This mix of emotions is confusing and difficult to process.  How can one feel such joy and sadness in one moment?

That's when I have to make a decision.  I have to decide to be grateful and not envious.  True, my sister has two, precious little daughters, but then again, I have two precious little nieces.  I choose to be thankful.  I let that feeling override the sadness and envy.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to enjoy them and I could miss out on some amazing memories.

My sister called me today to tell me something that she knew I would love to hear.  When she woke up the twins this morning, she asked Kinsey if she wanted to go to school.  Kinsey shook her head and said, "No.  I want to see Nene.  Go to Nene's house."  Hearing that, made me realize that my job right now is to be an aunt, the best aunt that I can be to those two little girls.  One day I will have my own children, but until then, being an amazing aunt is my role in life.

Having no children of my own makes me feel like there is something missing in my life, but if I didn't have my nieces and nephews, that void would feel so much bigger.

"Only an aunt can give hugs like a mother, can keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend." ~Spanish Proverb

                                                         Kylie and Kinsey.  Aren't they adorable?