#22 Morning Walks

Every morning around ten o'clock, I put on a tank top, some running shorts and my tennis shoes.  I get my dog on her leash, put the Ipod buds in my ears and leave my house.  I venture out on my morning walk.  I tour through the neighborhood and then further on to the local park and walking path.  I travel the winding trail with overhanging trees, birds flying overhead and the sun beating on my shoulders.  During my walk I listen to music and think about everything.  I think about what I am going to cook for dinner.  I think about what errands or housework needs to be done.  I wonder what my family is doing.  I remember a funny memory or good time.  Most importantly, I sort out my feelings and work through problems.  This usually consists of contemplating my infertility and our future plans regarding it.  My morning walks are not just one of life's pleasures.  For me, it's almost a necessity.  I feel so much more at ease afterwards.

Lately, I have really been thinking about IVF on my morning walks.  It is such a big decision and I still don't know if it's the right one.  It is so much money and it may not work.  It will be a hard pill to swallow if that much money is thrown into something that will have no positive outcome.

Ethically, I'm not sure how I feel about any of it.  IVF itself is an unnatural way of conceiving children.  If I do end up conceiving, will my children feel strange about it?  If the process is successful, I know for sure that I will not be ok with destroying any excess embryos.  So if there are any left over, what do we do?  I have thought that we would freeze them, but what if we don't need them in the future?  Then what?  I have mulled over the thought of donating our embryos to another couple in need.  Then I think, "Would I really want someone else raising my children?  How can I give my babies away when I have struggled so long to have them?"

It is so much to think about it.  I just can't believe that so many women get pregnant so easily, yet here I am, strapped with sadness, stress and heavy decisions in my four year effort to get pregnant.  It takes a lot of will power to not allow myself to get wrapped up in the thoughts of infertility every hour of every day.  It is literally a constant struggle for me to not obsess about it.

In my morning walks however, I allow myself to get lost in my thoughts.  Sometimes infertility takes up the entire walk (and my walks last an hour), but I tell myself that it's ok.  These late morning strolls are peaceful and calming--the best environment for me to mull over infertility and the many choices involved.  It makes me more level headed in my thoughts and emotions.

Anyone struggling with infertility knows that you have your good days and you have your bad days.  No matter what day it is for me though, I know I can always count on one hour of tranquility. I believe that everyone should find their one peaceful activity and do it every single day.  They will find that sometimes the best answers are found in the quiet moments of everyday life.

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it." ~Dorothy Thompson