About me, the quintessential infertile turtle

First let me tell you about me. My name is Renee, and I am a 29 year old teacher (out of work currently), who is infertile. Infertile like, my husband and I have been trying for 4 years and not one child yet. We have been to several doctors and have had several tests run. I have been through surgery, charting, so many blood draws that I look like a heroin addict, IUI, shots, HSG (twice), and heartache of course. The diagnosis: unexplained infertility. How frustrating! Because getting pregnant naturally is not likely to ever happen, my husband and I have decided to save up for IVF. The tentative date for this IVF is January 2012.


So why am I writing a blog about it you might ask? I decided in the meantime, I could be more positive. Infertility literally takes a woman to her lowest point. It will test your faith, beliefs, and womanhood. I have prayed for one thing for four years! Anyways, my sulking, crying and why me attitude hasn't gotten me anywhere, so I decided to do something that could make me happy until the day we can actually afford IVF. This blog serves to distract me and purge me of all the negative thoughts I've been feeling for four years.


These past four years have been an emotional roller coaster. Each month for an infertile woman consists of two weeks of hope, a week of anticipation and a week of complete and utter despair. So to lift my spirits until that glorious day when a doctor can insert a couple of embryos into my uterus, I am going to be thankful. That's right, you heard me. I am not going to focus on my infertility. Instead I am going to focus on the things I have to be thankful for. Each day I will pick another thing that I am thankful for and relate it to my journey of infertility in a positive light. It can be anything: a person, place, feeling, belief or an actual object that I love. I truly believe in the power of perspective, acceptance and attitude.


"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile." ~Author Unknown

Thursday, October 6, 2011

#23 Support

When I started writing this blog, I vowed to be more positive and change my attitude, but at the same time, I knew I would not be perfect.  In other words, some days are just really crappy and some days are wonderful.  Because of this blog, the crappy days are becoming fewer and farer between.  None the less, I still have those days.  Usually it is triggered by something.  It might be something I have read, a TV show, my period or ovulation, seeing a pregnant woman in public or learning of a friend who is now pregnant with a second or third child.  I literally want to reach out and slap them, even though I know it's not their fault.

It may seem difficult to understand why infertile women can seem so bitter and angry (sometimes I am really ashamed of my own bitterness) but I truly believe it is a natural reaction for us.  We have to fight the instinct to feel this way.  So yes, I still have those thoughts and those moments, but I fight harder now against them.  I see a complete transformation in my attitude, my stress level and my maturity because of it.  I am enjoying life again.

Today, I was set off by something I read that was posted on the Inspire website by a fellow infertile.  Here is the link if you'd like to read: http://www.inspire.com/groups/finding-a-resolution-for-infertility/discussion/this-was-in-the-newsletter-for-the-american-society-for-women-in-accounting/

Basically, this article presents the proper etiquette when speaking or trying to support a woman who is infertile.  This article really hit the nail on the head.  I would love to send it to my sister and mother, with the intention that maybe they can better understand what I am going through. Of course, I don't know if I could send it.  I feel like even if I did, they still wouldn't get it.  I also found that I was actually saddened by the pitying undertones of the entire article.   Almost like, "Feel sorry for her because she may never have the joy that you have.  You have to learn to walk on egg shells when you are around her..."  You get the gist.  But what really made me upset about this article was that it was so true.  I was angry that I had to be one of the minority of people dealing with this.  I was one of these freaks of nature that everyone had to handle with kid gloves.  Why in the hell is this happening?  I had a moment of heartache and then anger--the usual.

Then I remembered my vow to myself and I tried to find the positive.  This is what I mean by a constant struggle.  I takes a lot of strength to dig yourself out of the pity rut and into a more favorable mind set.  So what about this article, which I would have been better off not reading, was worthy of my gratitude?  It took me a trip to Target and a small chocolate binge later to figure it out.  What this article showed me was that there are people out there who care.  There are people who are considerate and sympathize a great deal with our hardship.  They want to see us happy and are willing to give a lot of effort in order to not insult us or make us feel worse about our plight.

As infertiles, we feel really lonely in our suffering.  We need support.  We need the people that we love in our life to be there for us.  Most importantly, we want people to understand that we are not bitter individuals, we are just a little damaged.  In order for others to understand the grief of infertility, there needs to be awareness.  This article was not written to be condescending, but rather to help develop support for us.  What better way to do that than to reach out to the people that can help an infertile woman the most, i.e., her loved ones?

So though at first I was upset and put off by this article, in the end, I see the altruism in it.  Infertility is never going to be completely cured.  There will be infertile men and women until the end of time.  However, in order for the pains of infertility to be lessened, whether it be by financial support or emotional, I truly believe there has to be awareness.  So all of us infertiles need to do our part by making those around us informed by teaching them how to help us.  It's time that we ask ourselves why we were put in this predicament and what we are going to do about it.

I think I am going to send that article to my mom and sister after all.

"Those that know, do.  Those that understand, teach." ~Aristotle

                         Me with my family.  They are my support, even if  I have to teach them how to be.
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2 comments:

  1. ElizabethOctober 6, 2011 at 7:26 PM

    This is such a wonderfully truthful post! And I agree with everything you wrote! No matter how much I "think" I'm going to be ok when I hear the next friend announce that she is pregnant, I always have a complete meltdown when I get the news. And you're right... I also hate it when something makes it sink in that we're "that" couple... the one that people feel bad for, can't relate to and don't know what to do to help. :/ I think this particular article is phenomenal and am inclined to post it on my blog for family/friends to see. But, you're right... No matter what I post or share, people don't really understand and/or do the right things. It takes a very, very special person/friend to be there for us!

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  2. ReneeOctober 6, 2011 at 7:44 PM

    Thanks so much. It is crazy how infertility affects us, but what is comforting is that every other infertile woman has experienced the same emotions, so we're not alone. I think you should post it. Some people still won't get it, but you might have a few that will take the information and use it. Those are the people you need right now. I actually sent it to my sister after I wrote this blog.

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