My brother and his current wife were married after my husband and I. They are well aware of the struggles that Nick and I have had with trying to conceive. They know of the heartache that I feel and they are completely sympathetic and have been very supportive. However, two months ago they announced to us that they were going to start trying. They were so excited and giddy when they told us. I remember that. I remember when Nick and I decided to not use protection any more and consciously start trying to have a child. We too, were excited and upbeat, thinking that in a few months or less I would have a little baby growing inside me. For the first few months we would joke around during the two week wait saying, "I wonder if little Jack or Avery is in there?"(The names that we picked out, just like every newly married couple does for their first born children). Then months passed and we stopped being excited and no longer joked. More months passed and our optimism started to disappear. Instead of anticipation, we started to fill with worry and dread for the inevitable. Something was wrong and we may be one of those unfortunate couples. As years passed and we saw doctors who could not diagnose us or give us any definitive answers, the words "when we have children" changed to "if we have children." We were and remain full of uncertainty and frustration.
What angers me sometimes, is reflecting on what has been taken away from my husband and I. My brother and his wife were able to feel the excitement of trying and then in two months have what they wanted. For them, the normal milestones in life are taking place in the right order and exactly like they should. Nick and I will never have that experience. I feel robbed and cheated and it makes me sad and angry.
What is so difficult about their pregnancy is that it is so close to me. I can not escape this pregnancy. I cannot isolate myself from them. Most of the time I can just distance myself from a pregnant friend so that I don't have to see the belly growing and her waddling in that cute way that only pregnant women do. I can't just send a gift for the shower and not show up. I can't just talk around it or change the subject when they bring it up. It is my brother and I love him. I have to act like I am just as ecstatic as they are and swallow the lump in my throat.
For us infertiles, when someone tells us they are pregnant, we smile and appear thrilled for them....but we're not. It sounds bad, but it's honest. We know everyone deserves happiness and we wouldn't wish infertility on anyone else, but we are so overcome by sadness for what we can not have, that we do not feel happiness. When we hear a pregnancy announcement, it feels like your heart is being torn out. It may sound cliche, but unless you've ever experienced it, you'll never truly be able to comprehend. Some people may say we are being selfish for feeling this way, but let me just put it to you like this: my brother and his wife tried for two months and became pregnant and we've been trying for 50. They could get pregnant 25 times in this time span, and here I am with empty arms and an aching heart. If a pregnant woman really expects me to overcome my feelings of grief to shower her with joy, I believe that she is the selfish one, not me. Would you expect a poor person, struggling to make ends meet, to be excited for a rich friend who wins the lottery on their first (or second) try after they have played every week for years and years? I don't think so. Would you then expect them to attend a party or "shower" celebrating their win and in addition to that, buy them a gift for it? No. If you feel this scenario isn't a fair comparison, you're absolutely right. Having a child is so much more valuable than a lottery prize that no number can justify it.
So here I am, still a little pissed, still a little sad, trying to be an inspiration, trying to think of what I am thankful for through this emotional pain. The only thing that comes to mind in this particular moment is my strength. I haven't crumbled completely under this stress. Though I feel that I have come very close, I am still intact. I am still waking up every day, trying to remain positive and putting on a happy face for the world. I believe it takes an insurmountable amount of strength to continue on this journey and not give up, still trying despite every failed test and procedure.
Smiling through the pain so as to not make anyone else feel uncomfortable takes considerable resolve. At times, I am not sure if I can do it, and other times I am not sure how much more I can take....but somehow I always manage.
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together, when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." ~Unknown
Oh Renee... I'm so, so sorry! And I totally understand. I can't imagine going through 50 months like you have. We've only had 13 missed tries and I already absolutely LOSE it when I hear other friends are pregnant. Well, except for those that have also been waiting and trying for a long time. I think the worse day in our infertility journey so far was just a couple of months ago when I started my period and on the same day found out a friend of mine that got married just last November got pregnant in July on her first month off the BC pill. The thoughts in my mind kept rolling over and over again about how unfair it is. How we've been married for 4 years and she has even been married for 1 year. And how I can't even imagine getting a positive pregnancy test and how she never even had to take an ovulation predictor kit or check her cervical mucus. And like you we are going to spend Thanksgiving with DH's step-brother and wife who are bringing their 1-yr. old and her 2nd trimester belly. :/ I have no idea how I'm going to make it or how I'm going to be able to maintain relationships with all these fertile people. It's HARD and I'm so sorry you're going through this. :( It just totally, totally stinks!!! And you're right! Those who haven't gone through this have NO idea how difficult it is. :(
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that anyone has to go through this, whether its for 2 years or 10, it hurts all the same. I remember when we had been trying for only a year and though I was still hopeful of a natural conception at that time, it was still hard to endure every month. I question why this is happening all the time, knowing that I'll never get that answer. What I do know is that I will never give up and I just need to have faith that regardless of what happens, I will be ok one way or another. I guess I have no other choice! Thank you for the comment. I will say a prayer for you along with one for me tonight.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! I can relate so much to this. For me, it has been a blessing that my two younger brothers have not yet gotten married and I dread the day almost (awful!) becuase I just know that their cute little wives are going to get pregnant right away. One of my worst days through this journey sounds so similar to what Elizabeth said! My best friend who'd been married less than a year got pregnant her first month off bcp and I started the same day she told me. I think that was my all time low. I had to leave work early and I just cried for hours. Sadly this best friend's baby was stillborn which totally rocked our entire world. It was awful. She started trying again, literally right away and was pregnant within a month. So she has sort of been pregnant for almost 18 months straight. And while I lvoe her, feel so awful for what she's going through, it's also hard to be around her b/c she has been pregnant for so long. I do pray for her and I know this time when she brings her baby home I will be truely happy for her b/c of what she's been through. But there will still be a part of me that's in pain. And I HATE that. I hate that IF has robbed me of so many things.
ReplyDeleteSorry to ramble on about myself. Jan is not too far away! So are you getting ready for your first IVF? exciting but very scary I'm sure. Lots of blessings to you! This was a great post!
Yes, I also hate that infertility has taken so much from us. I want so bad to feel extreme happiness about my brother's future baby, but it's just not that easy. We are getting ready for IVF. I can't say that we are excited about it, but we are looking forward to it. I guess we have gotten over the possibility of natural conception and maybe IVF will give us some answers, who knows. We are saving money and are starting to eat really healthy. We figure whatever we can do to increase our odds, we are going to do it. IVF is too expensive to take lightly! Thanks for your comment. Lots of blessings to you too!
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