#34 Christmas

Christmas has already come and gone, and man it was quick!  How does that happen?  Why does the Christmas season just fly by in a blink?  What makes it worse, is that I love Christmas.  I mean LOVE it.  I love decorating and shopping and receiving gifts and seeing others open gifts that I put a lot of thought into.  So the fact that my favorite time of year just speeds right by, makes me a little sad.  I get a little depressed when Christmas is over.  I hate taking down my tree and decorations, not because I'm lazy, but because I will miss it so much.  I guess the only consolation is that you get Christmas every year, and every year could be better than the last.  I've been keeping this thought in mind for the last four years.

Four Christmases have gone by since we started trying to conceive.  Seeing four Christmases come and go without any resolution has been really tough.  Each year I have this vision where I announce to everyone on Christmas day, that yes, we are expecting!  I even make it more dramatic by picturing myself wrapping framed photographs of the sonogram and giving it to our parents.  It sounds weird, I know, but it was my guilty pleasure to dream about this.  I envisioned it every year and not one time have I been able to do it.  I have never told anyone about this dream of mine, so when my brother told me how he was going to announce his wife's pregnancy to his two daughters, I was shocked at how similar it was.  He and his wife are going to wrap T-shirts that say "Im going to be a big sister" along with a picture of the sonogram as a gift to his girls.  This is how they are letting them know.  I feel like in a way, my dream was stolen, unbeknownst to him of course, but still, I will never get to have that now.  Even if we do conceive around Christmas in the future,  I won't follow through with my original plan because I won't feel like the idea was novel or special any more, even though I've had it perfectly planned in my head for over four years.  This is yet another dream I have to relinquish to infertility.  There have been so many.  When will it end?    

The first two Christmases of trying to conceive, I handled pretty well.  I think in the first two years, I still had some hope that it would still happen naturally.  Even last Christmas, which was the third, it wasn't so bad.  Maybe it was because my husband was still in school and it was somehow acceptable that we didn't have children yet.  This Christmas really stung though.  I felt the emptiness and hopelessness more than I ever had.  My husband and I are living in a beautiful home and he has an amazing job and we still aren't pregnant.  The natural order of things are not taking place, and it's difficult.  I feel like infertility took over my favorite time of year and I hate it.

When Christmas day arrived though, I put aside infertility and focused on the moment.  To my surprise, it turned out to be  a happy day and I felt thankful.  I had family in my home to cook for and share the day with.  I received so many gifts, I told Nick that I was really lucky.  I didn't deserve all these presents when there are so many people who have nothing.

In this moment, another thought came to me:  Infertility has changed me.  I am more sensitive now, more compassionate, more aware and less judgmental.  I think of others now instead of myself.  I am no where near perfect, but I am a better person in a lot of ways.  I wouldn't want to be the old me.   Don't let me fool you too much, I would much rather I had not experienced infertility all together, but I am happy with how I am turning out.  I am a better human being, and I think I am better equipped to be a mother to be quite honest.  I realized this Christmas how far I have come and how much I have matured.  I'm not sure any other day of the year would have done that for me.

Some how, some way, Christmas prevailed this year.  Despite the disappointment and the emptiness I feel most of the time, the spirit of Christmas overpowered infertility.  It really is my favorite time of year.

"Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself." ~ John MacNaughton

                              Christmas Eve several years ago.  Two days later, Nick would propose :)

#33 Fellow Infertiles

It has taken me FOREVER to post again.  I am a lazy blogger and I own it.  Not to mention, I always get thrown off by vacation.  The last time, I had gone out of town and took a two week hiatus.  Then I went out of town the weekend before Thanksgiving and then also for Thanksgiving, and took another hiatus.  I know--excuses, excuses.  Anyways, I am back, thankful and in full force.

Ok, so you read the title and know what I'm thankful for.  If you are a fellow infertile, you understand and don't even need explanation.  However, I beg you to keep on reading, because this is important.  Today I learned of a woman that struggled with infertility and had recently taken her life because of it.  Even though I didn't know this woman, when I heard this tragic news I felt an array of emotions.

Sad.  I felt sad that this woman was in such pain that she felt she couldn't take it any more.  I think we've all been there in our own struggles.  Living with infertility means literally confronting emotional pain all day, every day.  Every month that goes by and we experience another BFN, it is heart wrenching.  I have often wondered, "How can I take this another month?  I just want the pain to go away."  The only possible situation that could make the pain go away would be to get pregnant or to not face another day.  As terrible as it sounds, that is reality for an infertile woman.  It's an every day struggle and it's not going anywhere.  We can only hope to become tougher so that taking the pain every day gets easier.  In a sense we do, but it's till there, nagging at us every waking moment.

Angry.  I felt so angry that women are struggling with infertility and there is so little awareness.  This woman obviously felt isolated and trapped.  It doesn't help that people are so insensitive and oblivious to the infertile world or that most insurance doesn't cover any infertility treatments.  I can not believe that ART is seen as elective treatment to insurance companies; as if it's a plastic surgery procedure done for vanity purposes.  As if it's a choice we make.  Infertile women face such apathy from others, including their own family members.  I've experienced this with my family.  I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer talk about my feelings regarding infertility with my own family.  They act uneasy and bothered.  I wonder if she encounterd this as well.

Lastly, I felt something that surprised me.  I felt overwhelming gratitude.  Not gratitude for what happened with this woman or her family, but that it made me see how thankful I am for other infertile women.  Apparently, this woman did not feel as though she could reach out to anyone, including others in her same situation.  For me, this has not been the case.  Since finding the Inspire website and starting this blog, I have been amazed by the strength, kindness and concern from other infertile women.  I have never met these women face to face and they don't know me from Adam, but they have taken the time to care about me.  I have received messages from other women with advice, support, compliments and thanks.  I have been able to help others that were in their darkest hour and some have helped me when I was in mine.  Even though I am in this unfortunate circumstance, through it, I have seen the true, inner beauty of (wo)mankind.  It takes my breath away.

Tonight, this woman and her family are in my prayers.  For those that have supported me, I thank you.  If you are in your darkest hour, reach out to someone, anyone.  There is someone in this world who loves you enough to listen and help you through it.  That in itself is worth living for.

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."  ~Steven Kloves

#32 Thanksgiving

It's been a while since I last posted, but I was out of town.  I went to my favorite place, my #3, Louisiana.  My mother, my sister, my twin nieces and I went on a girls' trip to shop and have a good time.  It was such a blast and every time I go back, I just wish I could stay forever.  That is how much I love Louisiana.  Louisiana is not by any means perfect.  It certainly has its flaws, but I manage to only focus on the positives and it keeps me wanting to go back time and time again.  While we were there, we also picked up my other two nieces (my brother's daughters) to bring them back to Texas to celebrate my #32, Thanksgiving.

Poor Thanksgiving.  As I have said in another blog, it is the middle child of Halloween and Christmas.  No one gets that excited about Thanksgiving.  It can best be illustrated by home decor.  Some people actually decorate for Christmas before Thanksgiving is even over.  I always thought it was a little, okay a lot, ridiculous to put up Christmas lights before Thanksgiving was even over.  Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday after all.  A day of family, delicious food and reflection of all the blessing in your life.  I thought I would NEVER be the person who overlooks Thanksgiving.

Well I guess you should never say NEVER because when I came back in town, turned the corner into my neighborhood and pulled into my driveway, my jaw nearly hit the floor.  While I was out of town, my husband went Clark Griswald on me and decorated our home in Christmas lights, candycane lit walkways and a HUGE blow up Santa Claus that pops out of a Christmas tree on our front lawn.  I was mortified.  Not just that, but he will not agree with me that all of it should not be turned on until after Thanksgiving.  So five days before Thanksgiving, I was the house with the most obnoxious Christmas decor on the street.  Sigh....I guess there are just some battles I refuse to fight.  Anyways, back to being thankful...

Thanksgiving is a time when entire families come together and celebrate each other.  They celebrate the blessings in their lives.  Every year my family cooks and gathers together and just enjoys being in each other's company.  It is such a wonderful feeling of love and gratefulness.  We recognize that we have each other, we have our health and we have everything in life we need and a lot of things that we want.  We really are so fortunate.

On this Thanksgiving, I will be thinking of a good friend from college.  He has been in the hospital and has been diagnosed with a disease called Guillain-Barre.  It basically is an autoimmune disorder where your own immune system attacks your nervous system.  Two weeks ago, he was rushed to the emergency room for extreme abdominal pain and shortly after he coded (his heart stopped) for the first time.  Since then, he has coded four more times and has lost all feeling in his lower extremities.   For Thanksgiving, he will be in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, not able to walk or even eat a big turkey dinner.  I can not imagine the frustration he must be feeling.  To not be able to enjoy the holidays or fix what is wrong with him.  Even though most fully recover from Guillain-Barre (this includes walking again), some do not.  For those that do fully recover, it takes years.  He has a long road ahead of him.  Here he was, new out of residency for dermatology, has a one year old son and a beautiful wife and now his life has been put on hold.  It makes me sad for him but also so grateful for my life.

Once again, I am reminded of how precious and fragile life is.  We shouldn't focus on what we don't have, but should instead focus on the blessings that are in our lives.  I sometimes get frustrated with my own hardship, but sometimes it takes a situation like my friend's to make me see that, yes, it could be worse and take advantage of how great you have it, because it could all change in an instant.

So I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.  I am thankful for the happiness the day will bring.  I am thankful that my family is healthy and can gather together at my parents' home.  I am thankful that we will have a warm, heaping plate of delicious food set down before us.  I am thankful that my husband will be there to share it with me and that we aren't spending the day in a hospital room.  Thanksgiving is a pretty special day, even if it isn't full of candy and presents.  Instead, it fills your heart with appreciation.  Though often overlooked, I guess even the middle child has its time to shine.

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation." ~ Brian Tracy

#31 Shopping

You're probably rolling your eyes at me as you read the title of #31 and thinking, "Really?"  It seems shallow, but before you judge me or think I have the depth of a bathtub, read on so I can better explain why I feel shopping is a blessing in my life.

Here's the deal: I started my period yesterday.  It was particularly difficult.  It still happens, you know.  Some months, the period comes and I of course am sad, but I am able to ignore it and move on fairly quickly.  After four years, the arrival of a period has become more routine.  Most months, my reaction to it consists of a shrug of the shoulders, a sigh and utterance of "big (expletive) surprise" to myself.  Yesterday however, was very difficult.  I was angry.  I was frustrated.  I was down...really, really down.  I actually woke up at eight in the morning but when I went to the restroom and saw the evil bitch, I turned around and went back to bed....until noon.

It still amazes me how our bodies work.  How when you are so down and don't want to face the world, your body can just shut down and sleep.  And it's not like I had trouble getting to sleep yesterday evening either.  I went to bed fairly early last night after waking up only ten hours earlier.  Maybe it was from all the crying; I was emotionally drained.  Whatever it was, I felt my body was protecting me.  The only time I escape infertility is in my sleep.  Even though it sometimes bombards my dreams, for the most part, sleeping is a reprieve.

On days like this, I so wish I could sleep all day, but I physically can't.  Sleeping had certainly done me a favor by wiping out most of this shitty day, but I still was left with ten hours of consciousness to tackle.  I needed to find a way to get my mind off what was happening inside my body.  I didn't feel like cleaning, which is something I actually enjoy doing normally.  For some reason though, when I am down, cleaning and cooking just pisses me off.  I can not explain it.  I guess being productive when I feel so depressed does absolutely nothing to improve my mood.  Instead, I like to be worthless and indulgent.  The only clear solution to what was ailing me was 1. A chocolate binge and 2. Shopping.

So after gorging myself on Hershey bars and Rolos, I took a shower, put on a little makeup and dressed.  I left the house and went shopping.  I spent money.  It felt good.  I was still upset, but for those few hours that I was shopping, I was distracted.  I was on a shopping mission.  Whenever I am on one of these said missions, I am like a missile with an intended target.  My husband says he has never seen me so focused as when I am shopping for something that I have perfectly pictured in my mind.  I know what I want, I know what it should look like and I will not stop until I find it.  He jokingly says that he wishes I could redirect that focus into an activity that would make him some money instead of spending it.  Whatever.

Really though, I am a lucky girl.  My husband has a good job and he never truly reprimands me for shopping.  Though he teases me about it, I know he could care less.   I think he knows it's my therapy.  Not only does it make me happy when I find something to buy for myself, but shopping gives me a reason to get out of the house and face the day.  I can't cry in a mall.  I have to suck it up and not think about the disappointment.  My husband also realizes that it makes his life a whole lot easier if he lets me shop at will.  After a day of shopping, I am less of a basket case when he gets home from work.  He even acts interested when I show him all the things I bought.  (Yes, I know.  My husband is amazing.  I am extremely thankful.  See #1)

Now don't get me wrong, shopping does not fix the entire problem.  By swiping my credit card, my feelings regarding yesterday morning's catastrophe were not washed away.  Shopping is in no way a miracle worker.  There is an empty space in my heart and only one thing can fill it.  Nothing I can buy at a store and no carefree past time is ever going to be enough.  Right now as I go through month after month of heartache and disappointment, I have to constantly find diversions.  This is what keeps me sane through all this mess.

"I always say shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist."  ~Tammy Faye Bakker

#30 Veterans

Here I am on #30, which is somewhat significant to me because I will be turning 30 in a couple months, so the number 30 kind of haunts me.  If you would have told me when I was 18 years old that I would one day turn 30 and have no children to show for it, I never would have believed it.  I always said that there was NO WAY that I would start having children in my thirties because that was simply too old. Yet, here I am.  To think that I started this crazy ride over four years ago and I am still without answers, is absolutely insane to me.  Four years and no progress, I never would have thought...  I'd like to slap some sense into the more youthful me because when we make plans, God laughs.  Not to mention, thirty is not old, damn it!

So I decided that for #30, I would dedicate this blog to a group of people who I greatly respect, and who have at some point in their lives also experienced years of conflict and heartache.  For them though, they fought it for a cause greater than themselves.  Even though Veteran's Day was last Friday, and I'm several days late, today I dedicate this blog to them.

I try to think of others that struggle with something, when I'm feeling especially sorry for myself.  For some reason, this helps me a lot.  I try to get myself out of the "why me" bubble and think that everyone experiences trials in their lives and this is just mine.  One thing I am constantly aware of is our veterans and what they have been through.  They have gone to war, in a foreign country, away from their family and the comfort of their homes.  They have seen hatred, death and tragedy.  The thing is, just because they come home, doesn't mean they are done with it.  For some, it haunts them all the days of their lives.  To think that they endured all of it to preserve freedom for others, is pretty amazing.  Whenever I think my battle with infertility is bad, I compare it to the physical battles that veterans have fought for my rights as a human being.  It kind of pales in comparison.

This is not to say that infertility is easy.  It's obviously not.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  For me though, realizing that infertility isn't the worst thing to go through, puts things into perspective.  To think that there are people that have been through horrific experiences so that I can enjoy all the freedoms that America has to offer humbles me and inspires me at the same time.  They are so strong and resilient.  This is how we all should be no matter what we face in life.  They have given us so much to be thankful for.  I refuse to allow infertility to keep me from seeing that.

"Life has many ways of testing a person's will; by having nothing happen at all...or by having everything happen all at once." ~Paulo Coelho

#29 Living Now

When I think of infertility and I think of the misunderstanding that there is surrounding it, I can become quite frustrated.  There really is a lot of ignorance in regards to infertility.  Most of the population has no clue.  Despite this, I realize that I am lucky in some ways.  I live now, in the present.  My circumstances are much easier than those that have come before me and faced infertility in an even more ignorant society.  I don't know how they dealt with it.  They had to have been tough and I have so much respect for them.  

Ever since there were humans living on this Earth, there were unfortunate women who suffered with this ailment.  In earlier times, the struggle for infertility was so much more difficult.  As taboo as infertility is now, it was so much worse back then.  It was always assumed to be the woman's fault when a couple could not conceive.  Women were shamed by their husbands and family.  There were no counselors or going to psychiatrists.  These women had NO ONE to turn to.  There was no medical treatment or procedures available for infertility.  Women had to give up the hopes of children without a fighting chance.  Their level of frustration must have been immense.

I think it's important to add that infertility is more common than people think.  Infertility affects 10% of the US population, a startling fact.  To put that stat in a number that might make it more clear, that is 6.1 million individuals.  All I can think, is that there are six million people struggling with the emotional pain of infertility right now.  I am one of them.

Lucky for me though,  I don't live in the medieval times or pioneer days.  I live in the modern world with internet and cell phones.  I can write about my problems and post here on this blog for others to see.  I have received heartfelt feedback from some very strong and amazing women.  It makes me feel less alone.  I can go to the Inspire website and ask for information or advice from other infertile women or just vent when I am feeling down or angry.  In response, I hear from women who can tell me their story and how they reacted in the same instance.  It makes me feel validated.   I can search on the internet for the best infertility specialists and seek medical treatment to increase my odds of falling pregnant.  It may not work, but at least I have more options and can feel like I am putting up a good fight.

Why was I born now and not back then?  I'm not sure. I'm not sure how life works.  Infertility has shown me just how out of control and clueless I really am.  I'm not sure if there is a bigger plan or if everything just happens as it does without nothing more than a scientific theory for explanation.  Despite this, I am grateful that I live in a time of great medical achievement, technology and a broader awareness.  We still have a long way to go, but we are much better off now then the women who came long before us.

"Women are never stronger than when they arm themselves with their weaknesses." ~Marquise du Deffand

    

#28 Kaleb

I have been feeling better since the last time I posted.  I am starting to get used to the idea that my sister-in-law is pregnant.  The anger of feeling, " Why can't it happen to us that quickly?' has subsided considerably.  I will see my brother and his wife this weekend and I'm just going to have to suck it up, the way all of us infertiles have to do all the time.  We constantly set aside our feelings for others, and it is exhausting.

I knew that I needed to find another thankful, one that was a little bit happier and light hearted.  I was trying to think of the perfect thing to write about and my sister just so happened to tell me a story yesterday about my nephew, Kaleb, and it made me see why I am so thankful he is a part of my life.

Kaleb is one of the cutest five year olds that you will ever see.  He is dark complected, has brown eyes and brown hair and is skinny as a rail.  He actually looks nothing like my sister and though you can see a lot of my brother-in-law in him, he still could be someone else's child easily.  When he was a baby my sister would take him to the grocery store with her, and she would constantly come home with stories of people asking her if he was actually her child.  Some would even ask if she adopted him from another country or would ask what the ethnicity of his father was.  People have even asked if he was Asian.  To me, he looks part Native American because that is where his looks come from.  My brother-in-law has Native American descent from his mother's side, and boy did Kaleb inherit that gene.

Though he is beautiful, that is not even close to the reason that I love him so much.  He is hilarious.  The things that come out of that kid's mouth are sometimes out of left field.  When he was about 3 or 4 years old he became obsessed with animals.  He would constantly tell us that the only thing he wanted for a pet was a baby shark but "it had to be the whale shark because it won't attack anybody."  We would say, "What about a dog or cat buddy?" and he would say, "No, those are boring."  He also has a tendency to say big words for his age, but he says them the wrong way.  For example, one time he asked me, "If I shake this can of soda and open it, will it bisload?"  When I asked what "bisloads" meant, he answered with, "You know, when stuff bisloads everywhere."  Translation: bisloads=explodes, in case you were wondering.  My family has given him the nickname of the "little old man" because sometimes the things that come out of his mouth, you would never expect from a five year old.  Case in point: Every day after picking up her kids from school, my sister drives under an overpass on her way home.  Apparently, under this overpass, several homeless people reside and they are there every single day.  So seeing as though school has been in session for about three months, my sister's kids have observed this for well over 40 days.  Yesterday, Kaleb states as they are passing the homeless, "Seriously?  Begging for food again?  Get a job."

When my sister told me this, I of course laughed. Then I shared it with Nick and we then laughed about it together.  Then I thought, "I have to make Kaleb my next thing to be thankful for!"  Before I heard this story, I wasn't in a terrible mood, but I was still a little hardened.  But afterwards, I was suddenly soft again and really lighthearted.  Kaleb makes me laugh, he always has.  Anything that makes you laugh, you should be thankful for.  Theres' the old and famous saying that, "laughter is the best medicine."  Yesterday made me really understand the truth of that statement.  

Since hearing of my sister-in-law's pregnancy, even though I have tried my best, my battle against negative thoughts has been tough.  It has been difficult to honestly and completely feel grateful, because those negative thoughts were winning the battle.  However, Kaleb turned it around with that one, hilarious statement.  Laughter gave me the little bit of extra energy that I needed to finally resolve my inner conflict.      

I am constantly amazed by how in some ways it hurts to be around my nieces or nephews, but at the same time, they're the only ones that can get me out of a self-pitying stupor.  From now on, I am going to try to think about that when I think of my brother's future child.  Though it hurts, he or she will undoubtedly become another blessing in my life.    

"At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities."  ~Jean Houston

                                                         Here's my little man, Kaleb.

#27 Strength

Ok yesterday was horrid.  I have been pretty good for a few months.  I might have a day here or there when I feel a little more down and it takes me a while to see any clarity, but in the end I will not allow infertility to ruin my entire day. Well, yesterday just plain sucked.  It's funny because I was just thinking to myself last week that, "I haven't heard of any new pregnancies from anyone for a while.  It is eerily quiet...too quiet."  In my head I started to go through my list of friends (that already have children) thinking of who is probably going to end up pregnant next and announce it on facebook.  I call it dropping the bomb because that is what it feels like.  It is not pleasant for anyone going through infertility.  We can try to act happy and tell them how excited we are for them, but in truth, it is just a big act.  We are not happy, we are miserable and in pain and would like nothing more than to punch or break something.  Well I didn't get a facebook bomb attack yesterday, instead I got a phone call....from my brother.

My brother and his current wife were married after my husband and I.  They are well aware of the struggles that Nick and I have had with trying to conceive.  They know of the heartache that I feel and they are completely sympathetic and have been very supportive.  However, two months ago they announced to us that they were going to start trying.  They were so excited and giddy when they told us.  I remember that.  I remember when Nick and I decided to not use protection any more and consciously start trying to have a child.  We too, were excited and upbeat, thinking that in a few months or less I would have a little baby growing inside me.  For the first few months we would joke around during the two week wait saying, "I wonder if little Jack or Avery is in there?"(The names that we picked out, just like every newly married couple does for their first born children).  Then months passed and we stopped being excited and no longer joked.  More months passed and our optimism started to disappear.  Instead of anticipation, we started to fill with worry and dread for the inevitable.  Something was wrong and we may be one of those unfortunate couples.  As years passed and we saw doctors who could not diagnose us or give us any definitive answers, the words "when we have children" changed to "if we have children."  We were and remain full of uncertainty and frustration.

What angers me sometimes, is reflecting on what has been taken away from my husband and I.  My brother and his wife were able to feel the excitement of trying and then in two months have what they wanted.  For them, the normal milestones in life are taking place in the right order and exactly like they should.  Nick and I will never have that experience.  I feel robbed and cheated and it makes me sad and angry.

What is so difficult about their pregnancy is that it is so close to me.  I can not escape this pregnancy.  I cannot isolate myself from them.  Most of the time I can just distance myself from a pregnant friend so that I don't have to see the belly growing and her waddling in that cute way that only pregnant women do.  I can't just send a gift for the shower and not show up.  I can't just talk around it or change the subject when they bring it up.  It is my brother and I love him.  I have to act like I am just as ecstatic as they are and swallow the lump in my throat.

For us infertiles, when someone tells us they are pregnant, we smile and appear thrilled for them....but we're not.  It sounds bad, but it's honest.  We know everyone deserves happiness and we wouldn't wish infertility on anyone else, but we are so overcome by sadness for what we can not have, that we do not feel happiness. When we hear a pregnancy announcement, it feels like your heart is being torn out.  It may sound cliche, but unless you've ever experienced it, you'll never truly be able to comprehend.  Some people may say we are being selfish for feeling this way, but let me just put it to you like this:  my brother and his wife tried for two months and became pregnant and we've been trying for 50.  They could get pregnant 25 times in this time span, and here I am with empty arms and an aching heart.  If a pregnant woman really expects me to overcome my feelings of grief to shower her with joy, I believe that she is the selfish one, not me.  Would you expect a poor person, struggling to make ends meet, to be excited for a rich friend who wins the lottery on their first (or second) try after they have played every week for years and years?  I don't think so.  Would you then expect them to attend a party or "shower" celebrating their win and in addition to that, buy them a gift for it?  No.  If you feel this scenario isn't a fair comparison, you're absolutely right.  Having a child is so much more valuable than a lottery prize that no number can justify it.

So here I am, still a little pissed, still a little sad, trying to be an inspiration, trying to think of what I am thankful for through this emotional pain.  The only thing that comes to mind in this particular moment is my strength.  I haven't crumbled completely under this stress. Though I feel that I have come very close, I am still intact.  I am still waking up every day, trying to remain positive and putting on a happy face for the world.  I believe it takes an insurmountable amount of strength to continue on this journey and not give up, still trying despite every failed test and procedure.

Smiling through the pain so as to not make anyone else feel uncomfortable takes considerable resolve.  At times, I am not sure if I can do it, and other times I am not sure how much more I can take....but somehow I always manage.

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  But to hold it together, when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength." ~Unknown

#26 Autumn Weather

Finally!  It took until today for Texas to finally realize it is fall and the weather is just beautiful.  Don't get me wrong, I am a warm weather girl.  When I had to move to Nebraska for the past few years, the winters nearly killed me.  I detest snow and I have absolutely no desire to be in cold weather.  However, when you live in Texas and experience 100+ degree weather for months and a drought to accompany it, fall weather is a relief.

I was born in the south and have lived in the south nearly my entire life (the past three years are the exception).  I love warm, sunny weather.  I love feeling the sun beat down on my shoulders.  I am cold natured, so winter weather really isn't my cup of tea.  Fall weather isn't cold though, it is cool; a huge difference.  It provides a little variety and it creates a feeling that is difficult to explain.  The best way to describe it is that it's a mix of nostalgia and excitement.

When I step outside and experience the first fall day of every year, I almost become giddy.  I think of trick or treating as a child.  I start to remember all the costumes that I wore, and the excitement I felt as I came home to dump my pillow case of candy on the floor of my bedroom so that I could sort and pick out the candy I really didn't like.  I would always throw away the peanut butter candies that are wrapped in the black and orange paper.  (Beware, if you are buying this candy for young trick or treaters, word will get around, your house will be skipped and you will be left with an entire bowl of it.)  I remember setting aside the Bit-O-Honey candy for my Mom and the Dots for my Dad.  Not just because they weren't my favorites, I didn't mind them, but I knew how much my parents loved them.

Fall weather also makes me feel anticipation and excitement for the Christmas season.  I know you're probably be thinking, "What about Thanksgiving?"  Let's just be honest, Thanksgiving is the middle child of Halloween and Christmas, and is overlooked by everyone, including all major department stores.     Today I went out shopping and every store I went to was stocked with Christmas decorations.  I could have spent hundreds of dollars, but decided to wait until it's a little closer to Christmas so as to not feel too ridiculous buying Christmas decor in October.  While I was driving around I put Elvis Christmas in the CD player and sang along.  I later asked my husband if it was too soon to be playing it and he replied with, "NEVER!"  My husband and I feel exactly the same about Christmas.  We love the music, we love decorating and we love the gifts.  I am really looking forward to Christmas this year.  Most of all, I can't wait to spend time with family and feel that overwhelming sense of togetherness that somehow can't be matched any other time of year.  Fall is a precursor to all of this and I can't wait!

It's not just me that adores fall weather, I find that it is loved by all.  Since I have moved into my new neighborhood, I have yet to see kids playing in the streets.  However, today there were several children outside; laughing, playing and staying out until the street lights came on.  Even my dog acts differently when the weather starts getting cooler.  She goes in our backyard and lays in the cool grass and just looks out and listens to the noises of nature for hours at a time.  When she came inside today, she seemed happier than usual.

Right now in my life, when some days seem to have a huge cloud looming over them as I struggle to understand the position I am in, and I feel like I have absolutely no control over my destiny, I really appreciate a day like today.  It is comforting to know that, no matter how many months I am let down, I can always depend on nature for a beautiful gift.  I just have to remember to keep my eyes and heart open so I don't miss it.

So right now, I am going to stop writing.  I am going to soak in as much fall weather as I possibly can, sit outside and throw the ball to my dog.  This is the south after all, and this gorgeous fall weather is not going to last for very long.

As for the quote below,  I believe that infertility is a part of my spring and that I too will transition to the autumn season soon.

"Youth is like spring, an over praised season more remarkable for biting winds than genial breezes.  Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits."  ~Samuel Butler

#25 My BFF

I have written a blog about friends already.  It was dedicated to all my friends and how the time I spend with them provides me with an escape from the pains of infertility.  However, I never mentioned a specific friend so I decided I would dedicate today's blog to a very special friend, my BFF, Anna.

Anna and I met while teaching high school.  We were both in our first year of teaching, were the same age (our birthdays are six days apart), were both capricorns and had graduated from rivaling high schools.  We were both southern girls: she was originally from Georgia and I was from Louisiana.  We clicked and became best friends immediately.  Anna has the type of personality that people fall in love with upon first meeting her.  She is sweet,  hilarious, feisty and has a strong southern accent to boot.  Although we are similar in many ways, socially, I come across more reserved, Anna is outgoing and gregarious.  We just gelled.

In 2008, my husband and I moved away from the south and away from all my family and friends, including Anna.  When I first moved, we kept in touch regularly.  As the months passed and I struggled with infertility and depression, I didn't keep in touch as well and began to isolate myself.  I didn't tell anyone about my infertility, including Anna.  I felt embarrassed by it.  Anna went on to get pregnant and have a little boy.  I withdrew from her even more.  I sent her a baby gift to replace my absence at her baby shower and she called to thank me.  Other than that, our correspondence was  sporadic at best.  I missed her and felt ashamed for my abandonment of our relationship, but I just couldn't muster up the strength to be happy and talk to her about her child when I could barely smile or keep from crying on a daily basis.

In June of 2011, my husband and I moved back down south and I am so much happier.  When you are struggling with infertility, it is so nice to at least be comfortable in your surroundings.  Shortly after moving into our new home we went on vacation to Jamaica for some much needed relaxation.  I came back feeling rejuvenated and content.  I felt that even though I was still infertile, things were starting to turn around for me.  I started to see all the blessings in my life and I started writing this blog.  I began to feel liberated from the shackles of infertility.  I was no longer allowing it to rule my world.

Then a few weeks ago, out of the blue, Anna sent me an email asking me how I was doing and telling me she would love to see me since I was now living much closer.  I sent an email back and poured my heart out, explaining why I had been so distant and what I had been going through all these years.  I immediately felt the relief as one more chain of infertility was no longer holding me down.

In a matter of a few hours, Anna replied to my email with a phone call and she expressed how sorry she was for my plight and that she had no idea.  She went on to tell me that she was struggling with some personal problems that were very trying on her as well.  We commiserated together and even managed to find the humor in our predicament.  Making jokes and laughing at ourselves was something we have always done well.  It started to sink in that though I had been suffering for the past few years, I had managed to be pretty selfish.  I had not been there for her, and I had not allowed her to be there for me.  However, a best friend should always understand why, and she did.  It felt so good talking to her and having someone that I care about so deeply truly listen about my infertility without making an insensitive remark or adding her two cents.  She commended me for dealing with infertility, telling me that she believes it has to be one of the most difficult things to encounter in life and that most people don't even come close to feeling the emotional pain that I have felt for four years.  She validated all my feelings with that statement.  (Empowering others is something that we teachers are really good at.)    

Having a best friend like Anna is one of life's greatest gifts.  A best friend is understanding and kind.  She wants to build you up instead of tear you down.  And no matter how many years pass, she will welcome you back with open arms and you'll feel like you've never been gone.

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."  ~Henri Nouwen

#24 Claire

It has been a loooong time since I last posted.  I actually feel guilty about it.  It's not that I haven't been thankful, but I have been in a pretty good mind set.  I guess this is an indication that this blog is working like I wanted it to!  Still, I feel like there's also a lazy element to it to be quite honest.  When I first started this blog, I had finally come to an epiphany that I was just plain sick of being miserable due to infertility.  I realized that I needed to find a way to get myself out of the funk and fuel myself with positive thoughts.  I had a lot of energy at the time.  I am a little more settled now and finding that some days, I don't feel that same passion to write.  However, I recently was contacted by someone who followed my blog, wondering where I had gone to.  I realized that this journey is bigger than myself.  It's amazing how infertility has shown me how selfish we humans tend to be.  So while I can't promise to be perfect, I am going to try to be more dedicated like I was in the beginning.  If I am helping at least one person through this personal hell, that is enough to drive me to be a better person and not to be so self centered.  Now on to being thankful....

Over the past few weeks, I have had contact with some pretty unruly and ill behaved children and it makes me feel a little conflicted.  When I am around kids like this I think several thoughts: 1. "Oh my gosh, kids these days are so bad.  Parents do not discipline any more." 2. "I hope that when I have kids, they do not act like this.  Never mind that, I will not ALLOW my kids to behave this way." 3. "Holy crap, karma is going to bite me in the ass because I will probably have terribly behaved children for thinking these things." 4. "Am I cut out to have children?  Should they be annoying me this much?" 5.  "Does God think I can't handle kids and this is why he made me infertile?"  Which allows me to sidetrack for a second to reiterate why infertility sucks: it creates this type of thinking.  It makes you question if you are cut out for motherhood.  As if by divine intervention, God is letting you know that you didn't make the grade.

Then I assure myself with a few thoughts: 1. I am pretty sure that abusive and neglectful parents do not deserve to be parents, so therefore God actually does not micromanage in this way.  2. I have been around plenty of wonderful kids that do not get on my nerves, so really it's just that these kids are legitimately bad.  3. I can actually think of a specific child that does not get on my nerves, my niece Claire, whom I LOVE to be around.

Seriously, Claire is such an amazing child, I am so thankful she is in my life.  Claire is the kind of child that every parent would love to have.  She is the second daughter of my brother and she is eight years old.  Her older sister is Kayla, who is my #15.  Claire is the sweetest, most loving child I have ever been around.  She rarely gets in trouble.  She is a people pleaser.  She will ask before doing anything.  If all of my nieces and nephews are playing, and a fight breaks out, we ask Claire what really happened.  The other kids will finger point and make accusations, but not my little Claire bear.  She is always fair and honest.  God, I love her!

As wonderful a child she is now, Claire was an equally wonderful baby.  She rarely cried and she always smiled.  As a baby her big, crystal blue eyes were so striking.  They cut right through you.  She had the most high pitched sweet voice I have ever heard.  When we would ask her what her name was, she would reply in that little voice, "Claire Bear B---," as if Bear was her middle name.  One of my favorite memories of her was when she was about two and I told her that I would read to her and to go get some books.  She quickly ran into her bedroom and ran back with a stack of books.  She kept dropping them on her way to me.  As she would pick up one dropped book, she would turn around and drop another.  She finally looked at me with a frustrated face and said in that tiny, precious voice, "It's so heavy Nene."  My heart broke and I ran over to help her immediately.

This past summer, Claire and Kayla came and stayed with Nick and I one week.  They were such a joy to be around and Nick said that any time they wanted to stay with us, he would be more than happy to have them.  Their presence in our home was so heart warming.  It made me imagine what it must be like for people that have their own children.  Even though I recognize that having children is tough and frustrating at times, I would fathom that there are also so many fulfilling moments that make it all worth it.

Sure, Claire is special; there are few kids by nature that are this amenable.  However, Claire has made me see that the good definitely outweighs the bad.  Even if I end up having a slew of difficult kids, it would be worth it if they are even just a little bit like her.

"Little girls are the nicest things that happen to people. They are born with a little bit of angelshine about them, and though it wears thin sometimes there is always enough left to lasso your heart. . ." ~Alan Beck

                                            Claire at Disney World.  

#23 Support

When I started writing this blog, I vowed to be more positive and change my attitude, but at the same time, I knew I would not be perfect.  In other words, some days are just really crappy and some days are wonderful.  Because of this blog, the crappy days are becoming fewer and farer between.  None the less, I still have those days.  Usually it is triggered by something.  It might be something I have read, a TV show, my period or ovulation, seeing a pregnant woman in public or learning of a friend who is now pregnant with a second or third child.  I literally want to reach out and slap them, even though I know it's not their fault.

It may seem difficult to understand why infertile women can seem so bitter and angry (sometimes I am really ashamed of my own bitterness) but I truly believe it is a natural reaction for us.  We have to fight the instinct to feel this way.  So yes, I still have those thoughts and those moments, but I fight harder now against them.  I see a complete transformation in my attitude, my stress level and my maturity because of it.  I am enjoying life again.

Today, I was set off by something I read that was posted on the Inspire website by a fellow infertile.  Here is the link if you'd like to read: http://www.inspire.com/groups/finding-a-resolution-for-infertility/discussion/this-was-in-the-newsletter-for-the-american-society-for-women-in-accounting/

Basically, this article presents the proper etiquette when speaking or trying to support a woman who is infertile.  This article really hit the nail on the head.  I would love to send it to my sister and mother, with the intention that maybe they can better understand what I am going through. Of course, I don't know if I could send it.  I feel like even if I did, they still wouldn't get it.  I also found that I was actually saddened by the pitying undertones of the entire article.   Almost like, "Feel sorry for her because she may never have the joy that you have.  You have to learn to walk on egg shells when you are around her..."  You get the gist.  But what really made me upset about this article was that it was so true.  I was angry that I had to be one of the minority of people dealing with this.  I was one of these freaks of nature that everyone had to handle with kid gloves.  Why in the hell is this happening?  I had a moment of heartache and then anger--the usual.

Then I remembered my vow to myself and I tried to find the positive.  This is what I mean by a constant struggle.  I takes a lot of strength to dig yourself out of the pity rut and into a more favorable mind set.  So what about this article, which I would have been better off not reading, was worthy of my gratitude?  It took me a trip to Target and a small chocolate binge later to figure it out.  What this article showed me was that there are people out there who care.  There are people who are considerate and sympathize a great deal with our hardship.  They want to see us happy and are willing to give a lot of effort in order to not insult us or make us feel worse about our plight.

As infertiles, we feel really lonely in our suffering.  We need support.  We need the people that we love in our life to be there for us.  Most importantly, we want people to understand that we are not bitter individuals, we are just a little damaged.  In order for others to understand the grief of infertility, there needs to be awareness.  This article was not written to be condescending, but rather to help develop support for us.  What better way to do that than to reach out to the people that can help an infertile woman the most, i.e., her loved ones?

So though at first I was upset and put off by this article, in the end, I see the altruism in it.  Infertility is never going to be completely cured.  There will be infertile men and women until the end of time.  However, in order for the pains of infertility to be lessened, whether it be by financial support or emotional, I truly believe there has to be awareness.  So all of us infertiles need to do our part by making those around us informed by teaching them how to help us.  It's time that we ask ourselves why we were put in this predicament and what we are going to do about it.

I think I am going to send that article to my mom and sister after all.

"Those that know, do.  Those that understand, teach." ~Aristotle

                         Me with my family.  They are my support, even if  I have to teach them how to be.

#22 Morning Walks

Every morning around ten o'clock, I put on a tank top, some running shorts and my tennis shoes.  I get my dog on her leash, put the Ipod buds in my ears and leave my house.  I venture out on my morning walk.  I tour through the neighborhood and then further on to the local park and walking path.  I travel the winding trail with overhanging trees, birds flying overhead and the sun beating on my shoulders.  During my walk I listen to music and think about everything.  I think about what I am going to cook for dinner.  I think about what errands or housework needs to be done.  I wonder what my family is doing.  I remember a funny memory or good time.  Most importantly, I sort out my feelings and work through problems.  This usually consists of contemplating my infertility and our future plans regarding it.  My morning walks are not just one of life's pleasures.  For me, it's almost a necessity.  I feel so much more at ease afterwards.

Lately, I have really been thinking about IVF on my morning walks.  It is such a big decision and I still don't know if it's the right one.  It is so much money and it may not work.  It will be a hard pill to swallow if that much money is thrown into something that will have no positive outcome.

Ethically, I'm not sure how I feel about any of it.  IVF itself is an unnatural way of conceiving children.  If I do end up conceiving, will my children feel strange about it?  If the process is successful, I know for sure that I will not be ok with destroying any excess embryos.  So if there are any left over, what do we do?  I have thought that we would freeze them, but what if we don't need them in the future?  Then what?  I have mulled over the thought of donating our embryos to another couple in need.  Then I think, "Would I really want someone else raising my children?  How can I give my babies away when I have struggled so long to have them?"

It is so much to think about it.  I just can't believe that so many women get pregnant so easily, yet here I am, strapped with sadness, stress and heavy decisions in my four year effort to get pregnant.  It takes a lot of will power to not allow myself to get wrapped up in the thoughts of infertility every hour of every day.  It is literally a constant struggle for me to not obsess about it.

In my morning walks however, I allow myself to get lost in my thoughts.  Sometimes infertility takes up the entire walk (and my walks last an hour), but I tell myself that it's ok.  These late morning strolls are peaceful and calming--the best environment for me to mull over infertility and the many choices involved.  It makes me more level headed in my thoughts and emotions.

Anyone struggling with infertility knows that you have your good days and you have your bad days.  No matter what day it is for me though, I know I can always count on one hour of tranquility. I believe that everyone should find their one peaceful activity and do it every single day.  They will find that sometimes the best answers are found in the quiet moments of everyday life.

"Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it." ~Dorothy Thompson

                                     

#21 My twin nieces

This past weekend was filled with good times and hard work.  My parents just moved close to my siblings and I in Texas.  They are now only an hour away and I am really excited.  We drove in to help them move in to their brand new home on Saturday.  While I was in town, I also was able to see my beautiful two year old identical twin nieces.  It was so wonderful spending time with them while they are still young.  I can't even begin to explain how adorable they are.  They mean the world to me!

On Saturday, my husband and I, my brother, my sister in law and my parents were hanging out together and waiting for the moving trucks to arrive with my parents' belongings.  My sister in law, Kathryn and I started talking and decided we had to see our nieces.  It had just been too long.  We called my sister, who was too busy to get out of the house, to see if we could pick them up and watch them for the day.  Even though we would be helping my parents later, my nieces are so well behaved, we knew we could handle it.  She eagerly agreed to let us take them off her hands so she could get some much needed work done around the house.

When we picked them up, they were all smiles and were thrilled to see us.  They are girls about town--they love going out or as they call it "going bye-bye."  We put them in our car and Kathryn drove us to meet everyone else at a restaurant for lunch.  On the way in the car, I would constantly point out things on the side of the road, like a truck, flag or balloon.  Kinsey, the more talkative of the two, would exclaim, "I see it Nene, I see it!"  It made my heart melt to hear her excitedly say the name that all my nieces and nephews affectionately call me.  Kylie, the more quiet (and sassy) of the twins would reach out her hand towards me in the car so that I would attempt to reach out and touch it back.  Just when I would get close enough, she'd retract her hand and start laughing hysterically.  They are so adorable and so much fun, I wish I could put them in my pocket and keep them with me at all times.

Being with Kylie and Kinsey is a mix of emotions for me.  At times, I feel an ache in my heart, because I so wish I could have a set of twins as precious as they are.  When my sister told me that she was pregnant for a third time, it made me extremely envious.  When she called a few weeks later to tell me that it was twins instead of just one child, I was beyond heartbroken due to my predicament.  Here was my sister already with two wonderful children and she gets two more, at the same time.  It just didn't seem fair.  Why couldn't I just have one?

Though I feel this heart break when I am around them, at the same time I am filled with such an overflowing love, that I can't feel anything but blessed that they are a part of my life.  This mix of emotions is confusing and difficult to process.  How can one feel such joy and sadness in one moment?

That's when I have to make a decision.  I have to decide to be grateful and not envious.  True, my sister has two, precious little daughters, but then again, I have two precious little nieces.  I choose to be thankful.  I let that feeling override the sadness and envy.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to enjoy them and I could miss out on some amazing memories.

My sister called me today to tell me something that she knew I would love to hear.  When she woke up the twins this morning, she asked Kinsey if she wanted to go to school.  Kinsey shook her head and said, "No.  I want to see Nene.  Go to Nene's house."  Hearing that, made me realize that my job right now is to be an aunt, the best aunt that I can be to those two little girls.  One day I will have my own children, but until then, being an amazing aunt is my role in life.

Having no children of my own makes me feel like there is something missing in my life, but if I didn't have my nieces and nephews, that void would feel so much bigger.

"Only an aunt can give hugs like a mother, can keep secrets like a sister, and share love like a friend." ~Spanish Proverb

                                                         Kylie and Kinsey.  Aren't they adorable?

#20 My Childhood

As a teacher, I am shocked by the kids of today.  These kids don't have parents that care enough to provide them with structure, discipline and love.  I look at children these days and feel sorry for them.  They didn't grow up in the same world I did.  I can't even imagine how I would have turned out if I had grown up in today's society.

I was born to two amazing parents, who were loving and excellent providers.  They both worked hard for a living, loved us unconditionally and instilled discipline without being too strict.  My siblings and I grew up living in safe neighborhoods where we would play outside until the street lights came on or until our mom called us in for dinner.  We ate supper every night together as a family, without the TV on.  We would sit together in the den after dinner and watch sitcoms until bed time.  My parents saw to it that we did well in school and would contact our teachers if they thought we were slipping.  If we were reprimanded by our teachers, WE were the ones that were punished when we came home, no question.  We were taught to respect our elders.  We went on family road trips and sang songs and played games in the car.  That was my childhood in a nut shell.

Kids these days don't grow up like this.  Instead of life lessons and attention, they are given material things to compensate.  It has created a society of disinterested and entitled children.  It's pretty discomforting.

I realize that my childhood was not the norm.  It was the anomaly, a rare gem.  I know that I am extremely blessed.  I have wonderful parents and was fortunate to have a conventional and healthy upbringing.  I know that when I become a mom, I will follow my parents' example and provide the same for my children.

"Childhood is the most beautiful of all life's seasons." ~Author Unknown

                                      Christmas: Me on the left, my sister on the right.  Apparently I was three.   

#18 & #19 Cat naps and Leftovers

Yesterday I was tired and I didn't blog on what I was thankful for.  The truth is, that I have started to substitute teach and waking up super early again has me all out of whack.  I was so tired when I got home yesterday, I felt nauseous.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.  It's the kind of tired where you can't think straight and your head feels like its stopped up.  There is just no other way for me to explain it.  So yesterday, I took a long cat nap at about five in the afternoon and didn't wake up until about eight in the evening.

Naps are the best.  When I am extremely exhausted, there is no better feeling than allowing myself to lie down on the couch and drift off to sleep.  While in college, I would come home from class and sleep for four hours every day.  Of course, I was recovering from going out the night before, so the nap was essential if I was to have the energy to go out again that night.  My after class naps were much envied by my roommate who had to work after classes.  She would come home from work in the afternoons and wake me up with her arrival.  She would shake her head, half amused and half envious.  I didn't care if I was rubbing it in.  Those naps were my bitches and I had no shame.      

I also realize that yesterday's nap is a coveted by about every working mother out there.  So, since presently I am infertile and have no kids, I thought it best to be thankful that I can still take naps when and where I please, without interruption.  At least I have that over all those women who can just get pregnant whenever they want.  They have whiny children when they get home.  I have relaxing naps.

Today is no different.  I am utterly exhausted again and feel like crud.  This brings me to #19: leftovers.  When I feel like this, I do not want to cook when I get home.  This problem is simply cured with leftovers.  Typically, I cook every night and we always have left over food since it's just the two of us.  Therefore, I end up freezing leftovers for another time.  Last night and tonight is a leftover night.  I simply put the leftovers to heat up back in the oven or on the stove and voila: Dinner is served!

If I had children, I may not have leftovers to serve because it would have all been eaten or I would have had to cook something any way because children are not fond of left over food.  So until I have children, I will be thankful for how easy dinner time is with just two adults in the house.

Naps and leftovers are life savers on stressful and tiresome days.  Anything that makes my life easier at this point, I consider a HUGE blessing.

"Human felicity is produced not as much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen, as by the little advantages that occur every day." ~Benjamin Franklin

                                                This is how I felt and (probably) looked yesterday.

#17 Friends

My husband and I moved to a different state this past summer and we are really happy where we are living.  However, whenever you move to a new area, you have to start the process of making local friends all over again.  For me, this is not a quick process.  I am one of those people who doesn't make close friends until I've been living in a place for a few years.  It has rarely occurred, that I will make an instant friend with whom I click with in the first few encounters.  I don't know if it's because I am closed off or if it's because I am maybe a little shy.  Whatever the reason, making best friends is a gradual process for me.  Despite this, I have made a lot of amazing friends in my lifetime.  Maybe I would have made more if it didn't take so long, but when it comes to friends, I believe in quality over quantity.

When I met my husband, my friends took on a new role in my life because Nick became my best friend.  He is the one I share all my feelings with and spend the majority of my time with.  Also, now all my friends live several hours away, so going out for a girls' night isn't really possible.  When I am able to see my friends on vacation or when I speak with them on the phone, they are my escape.  I don't want to talk about my infertility.  I don't want to feel sad and heartbroken.  I want to be care free and frivolous, something that is normally difficult to do when you are trying to have a child desperately for four years.  We reminisce about old times and talk about topics that make us laugh.  We simply live in the moment.  I know though, that if I did need them to talk to about my problems, they would be there for me any time.  I have only told two of my close friends about my struggles with infertility.  Almost all of my friends have a child or children, and as all of us infertiles know, sharing our heartache with anyone is difficult, let alone someone who has no ability to understand--only experience can give perspective.  Of the friends I haven't told, none of them have ever questioned why we haven't had children yet.  I tell them that Nick and I want to wait several years before trying.  Whether they believe this or not, I don't know, but they never press the issue and I am extremely appreciative.

As strange as this is, one of the two friends that I have told about my infertility happens to be a very close guy friend that I have known for years.  Zach has been a friend to me since junior year in high school when he called me stuck up in English class.  I of course gave him a piece of my mind and we have been friends since. I  think he admired my spunk and I admired that he didn't care what people thought of him.  Zach and I have talked on and off through the years; talking each other through break ups and hard times, even the suicide of an old high school friend.  When I told him about my infertility and pit of despair, he was sympathetic and consoling, something not expected from a man.  He then told me something that made a huge difference in my attitude.  He told me this:

"You're actually the second person that I've spoken to in the last year that has had this kind of problem. In her case it led to a divorce. This is obviously an incredibly stressful thing to go through - try to remember how lucky Nick and you are to have each other to lean on through this process. That's a pretty full life in itself."

I couldn't believe it.  His words made me realize that I was being extremely unappreciative.  Here I was with a wonderful life and amazing husband and the only thing I was concentrating on was the one thing I didn't have.  I felt like a spoiled brat.  Shortly after, I decided to live my life in thanks for all the blessings I do have.  I can't believe it took a man to make me see the light in the darkness of infertility!

I learned a valuable lesson from this experience.  Friends ARE necessary for your well being.  Sometimes it takes a friend to open your eyes or to ease your pain by providing a shoulder to lean on.  They can also offer a different point of view, which is sometimes needed when you are so caught up in your own problems and grief.  Other times, you need a friend to just cut up with and have a good time.

Through this struggle, I unfortunately have grown apart from a few of my good friends.  It's hard to celebrate the births and lives of their children when it is hurting so much inside.  Some may call it selfish, I call it self preservation.  I know that one day, I can explain myself and they will understand. Because that is after all, what friends are for.  

"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will ride the bus with you when the limo breaks down." ~Oprah Winfrey

   
                                                        Me and a few of my closest girl friends.

#16 Music

How can I follow up my #15?  I mean seriously, my niece is a such a blessing, how can anything after her be worth while?  Maybe I should have saved her for my very last blog, but alas here I am, only on #16 and with sort of a writer's block.  My only answer is to find something that is completely frivolous, but awesome at the same time.  So, today I am thankful for music.

Let me be clear, in no way am I a musician.  I can not play a musical instrument, I do not sing (except for in the car where no one can hear me), I can not read music and I could not write a song that would be worth listening to if my life depended on it.  I actually always wanted to learn to play piano, but my parents could never afford a piano or music lessons, so that dream was never actualized. :(  Can you hear the world's smallest violin playing my song?

However, I don't believe that you have to be an actual musician to enjoy and love music.  Music fills in the spaces in so many places.  (I did not mean to rhyme there, it just happened.)  Think of how boring it would be driving on a long car trip if there was no music.  Or think of cleaning the house, having a party, movies, exercising, putting on makeup or weddings without it....BORING.  There is nothing I enjoy more than walking my dog in the early morning with my Ipod buds in my ears playing some of my favorite songs.  I do not think I would go on those walks if there was not music surrounding my thoughts.

In addition to making life more fun and enjoyable, music has the ability to influence one's mood.  Think about a time when you were sad and you heard the perfect song and for some reason you felt a little better.  I always think of the football players in high school who would blast Guns n' Roses' Welcome to the Jungle before the Friday night game.  They would automatically feel excited and amped up to play.  Their sudden adrenaline rush proves that music has the ability to actually elicit a physical response from our body.  I have even listened to songs that have brought forth tears from very eyes.  Remember, Tim Mcgraw's Don't Take the Girl? Come on, you know you cried too. I think the reason music moves us is because sometimes we hear a song and it reminds us that we are human and that we aren't alone with our feelings.  The songs prove that there is someone else out there in this big world that has had the same experiences and can sympathize with our emotions.

In my infertility, there's a few songs that speak to me.  For some reason, I don't know why, but Dave Matthew's Grey Street has always been one of my go to songs.  Read the lyrics and maybe you'll understand.  As cheesy as this is, two others that always get me is Rascal Flatt's Stand or I Won't Let Go.  If you are infertile, listen to these songs, but I warn you, you will cry.

So despite infertility, I am still appreciative for the small stuff.  Music only plays a trivial, minor role in my life, but really, don't all the small things add up?

"Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul." ~Unknown

                                      The closest I will ever get to musically performing: Playing Rock Band.

#15 Kayla (my niece)

Sometimes in life, you find that you just click with certain people.  Maybe it's body chemistry, maybe it's fate; whatever, it is, it's usually an instant thing.  It's like you just get each other without actually knowing one another.  It doesn't have to always be with a potential lover.  It could be a friend.  Sometimes it's not even a person, it can be a dog or cat.  For me, this happened when I first saw my niece, Kayla.

Kayla is my first niece, the oldest of all my parents grandchildren and she is my brother's daughter.  I didn't know that I could love a person so instantaneously until I held Kayla for the first time.  She was a beautiful seven pound, blonde haired baby and I was hooked.  My Dad told me that when his first niece was born, he was sure that he couldn't possibly feel a stronger kind of automatic love, until he had his own child.  I know exactly how he feels to an extent.  I don't have a child of my own, but the love and adoration that I felt for Kayla was through the roof.  I wanted to be around her every second and I ate her up.  I now have five more nieces and two nephews, and hopefully more to come.  I don't love Kayla more than any of them, but the bond I have with Kayla is special.  Let me explain why today's blog is dedicated entirely to her.

I know that most aunts love their nieces or nephews an enormous amount, but I'm not quite sure that any other niece or nephew has loved their aunt like Kayla loved me.  My family calls it obsessed, I call it a "unique bond".  It all started when she was about six months old.  My brother had left Kayla with my cousin so that he could go to the gym.  I called my cousin and heard Kayla crying on the other end, so I drove to my cousin's as quick as I could.  I walked in, took Kayla in my arms and to my cousin's surprise, she immediately stopped crying and stared at me in wonder.  From that point on, she would never keep her eyes off me when I was in her presence.  When I would babysit her, she would start squealing when she would see me walk up the driveway.  When I would walk in the house, I would pick her up and she would just stare at me and smile.  I could make her laugh like no one else and when she would get hurt or get sick, she would ask for me.  She preferred me over everyone, much to her mother and her mother's family's dismay.  (My brother on the other hand, ate it up that his child loved one of his family members more than all of his ex-wife's.)  When I was around, no one else was to hold her or rock her to sleep.  When she turned two, we started developing our own inside jokes.  One time when Kayla's mom asked her who her best friend was, she expected Kayla to answer with the name of the little girl down the street that Kayla played with several days of the week.  Instead, Kayla answered, "Ne ne," the name she still calls me to this day.  When I retold this story with pride to a family friend, she replied, "Yes, you are definitely her best friend.  The thing is, I think she's your best friend too."  The thing is, she was right.

Now, my Kayla is ten years old.  She doesn't remember her obsession (or "unique bond") with me that much, but we still have a special connection.  I love her to pieces and we really enjoy each others' company, plain and simple.  She comes and stays with me and I love every moment of it, knowing that her teenage years are quickly coming and probably pretty soon, she may want nothing to do with me.

As I look back, I recognize that I was given a gift through our extraordinary bond.  Through Kayla, I learned that nothing compares to a child's unconditional love.  I truly believe it's the closest thing I have ever felt to being a mother.  So when infertility gets me down, I think of Kayla and I regain the strength to keep on going, because now I'm ready to feel the real thing.

"Nieces are the children that we borrow, intending not to raise but merely love." ~Unknown

                                                 Me with Kayla when she was just 2 years old.