When I met my husband, my friends took on a new role in my life because Nick became my best friend. He is the one I share all my feelings with and spend the majority of my time with. Also, now all my friends live several hours away, so going out for a girls' night isn't really possible. When I am able to see my friends on vacation or when I speak with them on the phone, they are my escape. I don't want to talk about my infertility. I don't want to feel sad and heartbroken. I want to be care free and frivolous, something that is normally difficult to do when you are trying to have a child desperately for four years. We reminisce about old times and talk about topics that make us laugh. We simply live in the moment. I know though, that if I did need them to talk to about my problems, they would be there for me any time. I have only told two of my close friends about my struggles with infertility. Almost all of my friends have a child or children, and as all of us infertiles know, sharing our heartache with anyone is difficult, let alone someone who has no ability to understand--only experience can give perspective. Of the friends I haven't told, none of them have ever questioned why we haven't had children yet. I tell them that Nick and I want to wait several years before trying. Whether they believe this or not, I don't know, but they never press the issue and I am extremely appreciative.
As strange as this is, one of the two friends that I have told about my infertility happens to be a very close guy friend that I have known for years. Zach has been a friend to me since junior year in high school when he called me stuck up in English class. I of course gave him a piece of my mind and we have been friends since. I think he admired my spunk and I admired that he didn't care what people thought of him. Zach and I have talked on and off through the years; talking each other through break ups and hard times, even the suicide of an old high school friend. When I told him about my infertility and pit of despair, he was sympathetic and consoling, something not expected from a man. He then told me something that made a huge difference in my attitude. He told me this:
"You're actually the second person that I've spoken to in the last year that has had this kind of problem. In her case it led to a divorce. This is obviously an incredibly stressful thing to go through - try to remember how lucky Nick and you are to have each other to lean on through this process. That's a pretty full life in itself."
I couldn't believe it. His words made me realize that I was being extremely unappreciative. Here I was with a wonderful life and amazing husband and the only thing I was concentrating on was the one thing I didn't have. I felt like a spoiled brat. Shortly after, I decided to live my life in thanks for all the blessings I do have. I can't believe it took a man to make me see the light in the darkness of infertility!
I learned a valuable lesson from this experience. Friends ARE necessary for your well being. Sometimes it takes a friend to open your eyes or to ease your pain by providing a shoulder to lean on. They can also offer a different point of view, which is sometimes needed when you are so caught up in your own problems and grief. Other times, you need a friend to just cut up with and have a good time.
Through this struggle, I unfortunately have grown apart from a few of my good friends. It's hard to celebrate the births and lives of their children when it is hurting so much inside. Some may call it selfish, I call it self preservation. I know that one day, I can explain myself and they will understand. Because that is after all, what friends are for.
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will ride the bus with you when the limo breaks down." ~Oprah Winfrey
Me and a few of my closest girl friends.
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