Teaching full time and struggling with infertility was very difficult. When my doctor wanted me to come in every day one week for an ultrasound at nine in the morning, it wasn't exactly easy to take off. After I did that one week, I vowed I could never take off from work like that again. Taking time off for a teacher is very different from other professions. Not only are you gone from planning, organizing and grading, but you are leaving 100+ students behind to fend for themselves. Not to mention that you have to do extra the day before for being gone the next day. It is exhausting! So, instead of taking off, I worked my infertility appointments around my teaching schedule. This was still very stressful and difficult. Once when my doctor wanted to test for a thyroid problem, I had to record my temperature and heart rate three times a day. I had to plan it during my off periods, lunch break and between classes. I can't even count the number of days I would race to my doctor's office after school just so I could make it to get my blood drawn before the four o'clock deadline. On top of that I was charting CM every day, all day while working. Every chance I could make it to the bathroom, I went. This meant booking it to the bathroom and back in the four minute passing period time between classes. For empahsis, let me add that the bathroom was on the other side of the school, so that meant I literally ran.
When I look back at all of this, sometimes it makes me laugh because it is so ridiculous. The things us infertiles will do to get pregnant! Sometimes however, it makes me realize how strong I am. Most women do not have to endure all this stress and heartache and they are lucky, don't get me wrong. I would trade places with them in a minute, but I've learned a lot about my character in the process. I have been knocked down so many times in this battle, but I always manage to get back up. I endure a lot of emotional and some physical pain and I learn to get through it. A lot of things in my life have helped me get through the hard times, but one of the things that sticks out like a sore thumb is teaching.
Unless your an exception, every woman has an innate desire for children. A woman may want success and have ambition, but the sense of purpose is best fulfilled by having a baby. Because really, the greatest success of all is raising a productive member of society. For infertiles, that sense of purpose may never be fulfilled. So then, what is our purpose in this life? Every person has to answer that for themselves and it is up to them to seek and find it. For me, I always felt that if I never have children, at least teaching has given me a sense of purpose.
I love kids. I love helping kids and seeing them succeed...even if they are not my own. I see that students crave discipline and I give it to them. I am not a pushover and I expect a lot of out of my class. I am there to help them when they need it and tell them to do it themselves when I know they can. I try to encourage them and influence them in positive ways. I give them advice and listen when they need to talk. I try to demonstrate how to behave and to work hard. Sure, I teach them the subject matter, but I also do so much more. For some of my students, I know that my classroom is the only place they are learning life lessons.
Sure, sometimes it hurts to look at my students and see what I may never have, but I have to shake my head and clear that thought. What sits before me is a classroom of kids that need me at that moment. There were mornings that I would cry on the way to work, but rest assured as soon as I walked in that school, I was back to the upbeat teacher that they had come to expect. Teaching not only gave me a sense of purpose in life but it gave me strength to keep going even when I didn't want to. For that I am extremely thankful.
"A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others." ~Author Unknown
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