Since I moved out of my parents' house at the age of eighteen, I have lived in about ten different places. Which pretty much means that I was moving about once a year! All the places I lived were apartments or rental houses and all of them were not exactly ideal. My first year away from home I lived in a dorm on campus that was so small that my roommate's and my bed were literally two feet apart. We used to joke that whatever I breathed out, she breathed in and vice versa. I was sick in that dorm about every other week. We also lived in a rental home our junior year that somehow had a secret passage way for flying roaches to get in. We were constantly hunting and being chased (literally) by roaches while screaming the whole time. Our senior year, our rental apartment literally was about 10 feet from train tracks. How I managed any sleep that year is beyond me. Well, I take that back, because drinking and passing out makes you oblivious to all noises and environmental distractions. Thank you Bud Light. The last place I lived in with my husband was definitely interesting as well. One of our neighbors broke into our apartment in the middle of the night to get away from two men that were "threatening to kill him." The guy was so inebriated that I didn't know whether to kick him out or let him pass out on the couch. I could go on and on. Seriously, those are only a few out of many. I won't even delve into the long story of how one of my apartments was hit by a car.
All of these stories now provide me with a good laugh and a reason to be thankful for my current house. The house I live in now is ten years old. It is not brand new. It doesn't have granite countertops (yet) or wood floors (yet) and believe me, it has its flaws. We had to fix so many problems in our first few weeks of moving in, my husband and I started to question our decision. There were times that I thought Nick would have a nervous breakdown. Every time he had to fix something, I would get tense. I'm not sure if all husbands are like this, but when it comes to patience in DYI projects, Nick is not exactly setting the world on fire. All in all though, we have come to be happy with our decision and are in love with our new home. Not just that, I am thankful for it.
As you all know, I've been struggling with infertility for four years and I have been living in this house for only about three months, so it hasn't been with me through the whole process. However, the idea of it has. All those years, one thing I would constantly fantasize about (besides getting pregnant) was owning a house. What it would look like, the home decor, how big it would be, etc. It gave me a little something to look forward to. I was never sure if a baby was in our future (still not) but I knew for certain that a house would be. It was something we had control over and if we worked hard enough, could get it one day. Having a baby for us infertiles is so different. There is absolutely no control, and you can bust your butt and put your body through hell and back and none of it may work. That's is the reason why when someone who is not struggling with infertility gives a bit of advice or an antidote about perseverance or never giving up, we infertiles want to punch them in the face. They have no idea what's it like and never will.
Right now I am sitting at my desk in the entertainment room of my house. I have decorated my house just the way I like it. It is cleaned spotless, just the way I like. I still have big plans for this house as far as updating it to make it more modern but I love it in the mean time. It is my home, my sanctuary. I can be myself and if I am sad about infertility, can bawl my eyes out and no one would know the wiser. If me and Nick have a screaming match and want to curse each other out, we do it, and we don't have to worry about the upstairs neighbors hearing. I am so comfortable in this house. It is glorious.
One day I hope to have children to fill the rooms of this house. I currently have an entertainment room, a guest bedroom and one room that is empty, which I would love to turn into a nursery. It may never happen, who knows. However, if it does, at least I feel peace that I have a great and loving home. Any baby would be lucky to grow up here.
"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned." ~ Maya Angelou
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